Sunday, August 14, 2005

Moments of Mental Fatigue

Current Meds:
1. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: slight tremors in left leg and hand (usually worsens with physical exertion)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: none

And so there are moments when no matter how hard I fight it, despair grips me in its talons. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about MS and yet I've never really seen what it can do. That is until a few brief moments of sobering reality while watching W-5 on ATV the other night. They were discussing a new radical treatment for advanced MS cases in which they extract stem cells from the patient via bone marrow (hip and pelvic bone) and blood, purify the cells, then proceed to eradicate the existing immune system in the patient through chemotherapy, then-if the patient survives-inject the old purified stem cells back into the patient hopefully producing an MS free immune system.

The procedure has taken at least one life so far. They need 28 casses to report failure or success. I don't know what they are at now... but test subject no. 6 has died, that is certain. But seeing what MS has done to these people, death seemed an acceptable risk in these particular cases.

I couldn't help feeling affraid. I don't know what type of MS I have yet. Will I end up like that? My biggest fear was always to be alive but not in control of my self. With that prospect now a reality it takes a lot of strength for me to look in the mirror everyday and not feel a small amount of despair. I will never give in to it. I can't. But last night I had a few terrifying moments where I did let that thought sink in. Lucky I was with people who loved me and could console me.

Today, I'm feeling like I finally understand the gravity of this disease. For a while I was just relieved to know I had it and wasn't loosing my marbles, but now I am concerned for what type of MS I have and how I'm going to react to the treatment I start soon. Though not as severe as chemotherapy, it is a powerful drug and I don't react well to drugs period, weak or strong.

I try to stay positive, but last night really hit home for some reason. I want to talk to someone who was or is in my position. I feel only they could have something meaningful to contribute to my thoughts. Until then, I guess I'll have to prepare myself for what comes next: treatment preparations on Tuesday.

Edging forward, falling back, spinning round and round, trying to keep my balance, seeing through the blinding darkness...


At 11:43 AM, Blogger Celeste said...

I haven't been here in a long time...funny how I show up today and you are feeling so badly. I watched the very same show on W-5 yesterday and thought of you every minute of it. I wish I had the words to soothe your pain and anxiety about the up coming treatments and your prognosis. I feel in my heart that you will be strong enough to fight this and that your MS will go into remission. You are very brave, a real warrior. These moments of emotional fatigue will come, perhaps you should use them as an opportunity to lean on those around you (like you seem to have done) and let some of us carry the weight of your burden for a while...a chance for you to fall into the arms of those who care about you so you can muster the energy you need to be as strong as you are. These moments are not a sign of weakness. I truly beleive it takes a very strong man to let others support him when he needs to be supported. You are in my prayers. Peace, Celeste

At 7:20 AM, Blogger Yvonne said...

Hello Doug,
I was searching the internet to find anything to help with MS chronic pain. I came across your Journal. I was quite surprised to see that you are a fellow Nova Scotian! I was dx. with MS in April of this year and have been using Rebif since May 23rd.
It's only been 2 months and they say to give the drug at least 3 months for the body to get used to it. The fatigue is cumbersome, but I keep looking forward to that 3 month mark hoping that I won't be disappointed. lol

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I was diagnosed June 1 2010. I immediately started rebif. I haven't had any tiredness, flu like symptoms or anything that the doctors said I could possibly experience. I attribute this to my faith in God. I understand that everyone has varying beliefs, but in this very close to home tangible situation, I just thought I'd share what I do. I confess healing over my body everyday. I speak to my organs and body and command them to function in the perfection in which God made them. I found every scripture in the bible that agreed with my confession and that's what I hold on to.


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