Back again... for how long?

It's been what feels like years since I've updated here. I don't know why I decided to come back except that I am experiencing a great number of medical problems (99% not MS related as far as I know) and I wanted to keep a record of what's going on. Mainly for my sanity I think but also to make sure I don't overlook or forget anything the next time I am at a doctor's office.

First and foremost, I'm in limbo. I have no family doctor and I've had trouble getting one. Same deal with the Neurologist, although I do have an app with one next spring in Montreal. So I've been surviving by going to clinics when I need too.

Enough of that, here's what is going on now:
nasty eye infection in both eyes - I figure I got it from my contacts because I've been getting sloppy with my hand washing, in fact I don't to it all anymore so that explains how it spread. Where it comes from take your pick, this week I've swam in a dirty lake, been around children... who knows. I got and I'm using some antibiotic eye drops I got from a doctor at a clinic here in Prince Albert, Sask. Oh yeah, I'm in PA by the way. Until Monday. Been here all summer... long story.

I have tinnitus in my left ear from where the above doctor scraped wax out of my ear with crazy metal thing causing trauma of some type. He started the right ear but it hurt so bad I stopped him. And now my right ear can't handle pressure - it pains like crazy. Which is very bad timing on my part because I'm flying home to NS in about 32 hours. I hope all this ear stuff heals before then. Unlikely. That flight is going to be the worst ever.

The reason he was poking around my ears was to check for infection because I have a nasty throat infection which I'm taking an antibiotic for. That's doing a lot better though. Through the worst of it I think, but it's left we weekend and tired and mentally drained.

These things are being dealt with, however. This one isn't until I get home:

About 2 weeks ago I had a really bad pimple on my body, I tried to pop it but made it so worse. I didn't pop and I was left in a lot of pain. The pain eventually subsided after a few days but it left a painful lump with a rash. It is not mostly healed but around the area of original zit I have about 30 more smaller ones that seem to come and then look like they are getting better but then they don't. And even worse it's spreading. Right now all of this area is nothing more than a pest, itching a lot and looking rather displeasing to me. I've been obsessed with it, tying to find out what it could be online. Everything I found led me crazy assumptions of what it is. I still don't really know but it's my top priority after all this other stuff is taken care of. I have to get it before it gets way out of control. I should have dealt with this when it first happened but again why I didn't is a long story.

Finally, I have an appointment that was a summer in the making, I noticed a hard cyst where there shouldn't be one and I have an appointment for an ultra sound on the 25th of August. Hopefully this isn't cancer.

Despite all that I believe I've been experiencing lost of small MS symptoms. Sensitive skin, painful to the touch and some shooting pain through old MS areas. Nothing I can't handle. I expected worse to tell you the truth, I've been lucky this far that nothing serious has happened with my MS since the major one a few years ago. Go me. If I could just go to the doctor when I fist notice something, maybe I wouldn't end up with multiple infections. Will I ever learn.

I hope so. From now on I'm going to do something and I'm not going to feel like a burden on the health care system. I have a right to my health in this country, I'm going to embrace it.

I still can't believe I let it get this far out of my hands. All of it. This is just ridiculous. No more procrastination on health issues. I swear I'm going to be the death of me.

Withdrawl

So I didn't take medication pretty much all weekend. So yes I'm getting pangs of withdrawl. It isn't pleasent. I didn't take it because I was drinking so much alcohol so yeah... It's actually smart that I didn't. But I realize I went a little too long and now I'm freaking out a bit for no reason over silly things--like being alone. At least I know what it is and I have a handle on it. I don't want to take anything now becuase it might make me sleepy and I don't want to fall asleep now because I'll be up all night. So I have a few more hours of unpleasent withdrawl to wheather. I just need to hang out with peeps. Problems is I don't know who to call. Rotten, dirty, withdrawl symptoms. Doing laundry and dishes will at least make me feel productive and help take my mind away from the woes.

Love Yourself - Because

Somewhere in here, I stopped caring.

Well all that's going to change. Starting tomorrow, or the next day. Time to make doctors appt.'s before I go back to Montreal: for good this time. I'm not coming back to CB again to live. Except to visit on holidays. I'm going cosmopolitan. Time to get some big city doctors now.

Because I should and I deserve it.

Sick... again... :S

Sick... that's the theme of the last 2 days...

Not really sick but wierd sick. For example, I couldn't eat. I just wasn't interested in food for some reason. So anyone who was looking for me, correction, anyone who was looking for me and still reads this blog, that is why you couldn't find me.

But I am feeling better. And I ate today, so it's getting better whatever it was.

Cheers.

AFTER some THOUGHT

Remember when life was simple? When good and evil existed? When there was the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do? The right things to say and the wrong things to say? For me, that was all before Derrida.

But in my state of humanity (which I seem, for the time being at least, locked into with none but one unthinkable escape), I constantly try to get back to that "golden age." To when things could be settled with a type of duality that really only makes sense to children and American voters. And as I'm neither an American voter nor a child, looking at life through the bifocals of duality is not an option. Never the less, I have crafted a thought. Well, more like condensed something complex into something simpler.

I used to believe that there are people who want to help you and people who want to hinder you. Then I grew up. And now I see that there are people who hurt you and people who help you. All I had to do was take out their intentions.

But Doug, sometimes people DO want to hurt you or help you. Yes. Sometimes. Not all the time. What I'm driving at here is this: there are people in the world who hurt us, thinking that they are helping and the vice versa, people who help us thinking that they are hurting us and everything in between. Furthermore, to the meat of the argument, sometimes the people who hurt you are the same people who help you, and those who help, hurt you. It does me no good to lump people into one category or the other. And it makes it easier to forgive those who've wronged me in the past.

By this I mean, I realize there is no certainty, especially where it concerns people. People do all kinds of strange things with no justification and my own perception of anther's motivation is always going to be suspect if I group people into categories of "hurts me" or "helps me." It allows me to be taken advantage of and it allows me to take advantage, like some god-damned opportunist. This is not who I am or what I want to be. The bottom line is both groups have the potential to do both actions.

So unless you are a complete and total screw up in life, it's impossible for me to hold a grudge. Your intentions toward me, as well as my own perception of your intentions are useless in the end. The only thing I can control with 100% certainty are my own intentions.

If all I want in life is to be happy, then I make adjustments to that end. Simple.

So summery: Good/Bad? No. Good=Bad/Bad=Good? Yes.
Always forgiveness? Yes. Unless trespasser psychotic.

:)

Quick Update

I'm not sure if I'm going to spell this right, but I have a reiki session scheduled for the 30th of June. I don't buy into it. But my friends do. It can't do me any harm so what the hell. Stranger things have happened.

I find staying fit and eating right, getting the proper amount of rest and exercise pretty much keeps this disease in control. And any slight problems I have I deal with. I don't let it get me down and I stay positive. And in this way, I've been able to stay off my Rebif for near 8 months now and they were the best 8 months of my life.

Still, I have been neglecting modern medicine. I've not scheduled the appointments I need nor taken the medication prescribed to me and I refuse to go to the hospital for treatment when needed. Somehow, I feel stronger and more alive than ever with no side effects. I'm thinking about just getting a physical to make sure everything is in order, to put an end to questions lingering. But I really do feel fine.

I made it to Taiji on Tuesday and I did 40 min of group meditation, which was just what I needed. I felt at peace and full of love after it was done. It was beautiful. Spirit=cleansed. Mind=mostly cleansed. Body=cleansed. I'm near as healthy as I can be.
Cheers.

Flashes of light

For the last few weeks I've been getting random flashes of light in my bad eye. As if some invisible signalman where trying to reach me. Eye open, eye closed--doesn't matter. The poet in me is trying to make me believe it is tied to something metaphysical. But my skeptic won't allow it. Thinking about this illness from the point of view of ancient man, it appears some spirit or other is after me, throwing bolts of lightning at my brain.

Nothing I can do but use it in my words, words, words... Just a recording the occurrence in case it's important later.