Is this good or bad?

It all started last Friday before I went out to visit some friends. I began to feel a little dizzy. I hadn't slept so well in a long time so it was just fatigue, right? It'll be better after I shake it off in the morning. Still dizzy. But not that kind of spinny dizzy that you think of as dizzy. Imagine that you are in an elevator as it begins to go down. That feeling of falling through the floor. Now Imagine that while lying down, sitting in your favorite chair, driving the car, walking to class... all common everyday occurences for me since Friday. Nothing getting better, but at least not getting worse.

Last time this happened it was almost unbarable. I was in bed for two weeks. And no one would believe me that there was something wrong. I was on every imaginable anti-biotics you can think of. Friends and loved ones didn't seem to help much. Just take your pills and stop complaining. I've went back over their posts and messages and what I wrote in my journals. I was alone. No wonder I've never felt complete.

After my diagnosis I imagine a few of these said people began to feel bad about how they handled it and were nice to me for a little while. I guess all you can really expect is that parents are the only ones to carry you through. Everyone else just says they are sorry, don't worry things will get better, it won't always be like this. But even the action of well intention parents feels like mindless dribble that people spew when you talk to someone who really does understand. Not just false empathy, but really knows what you are going through. Doctors look dumb and useless in their presance.

I don't know if this is making sense or spelled right, but you'll have to forgive that, I'm currently experiencing a relapse in my disease and working is difficult, so typing is not a major priority next to my health right now.

Anyway, the point of my story, what I can't figure out what is good or bad, is my state of mind today. For example, today is the first day since my diagnosis that I feel like I have a disease. Why? Becuase I'm taking advantage of services provided for the disabled. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm taking the easy way out. And it kills me. I don't know where this nagging feeling like I have to do everything myself, in my own way comes from, but letting anyone else into my world in the form of help is threatening to me. As I told mom today, under Bushido code, my life is now forfiet and the honorable thing to do in Samauri terms is to end my life. Good thing I'm Canadian, hey?

Here's what is going on with Mel Clark:
He's getting me a lap top with a really neat program. I gave him text books that I have to read and they are now cutting them up, scanning them, and the computer will read them to me! They only shitty thing is my books are going to be ruined. :( Those who know me know that is a terrible thing to do to a book. I'm getting them back with no binding. Poop. :(
He's also going to take care of my loans issues. Thanks be to Yeats. haha
And he is recomending that I do my exams through the disability office which will give me certain benifits when it comes to exam time.

Now all this might be good for me. But I can't help feeling like that's it. That's the end of my normal life. I know it's only for a short time. But I am very accostomed to doing this stuff on my own, like reading books for example. The simplest thing, done for me. I feel like... like... like an MS patient. And up until now, I know it was possible that I'd have to go through somthing like this, but it is much much harder than I anticipated. Than anyone would expect. I don't know how to go through this.

The worst of it this: I can handle anything this disease can dish out: blindness, paralysis, depression, fatigue... whatever... I just can't take dizzy spells, it's the most debilitating thing you can imagine. And it makes me insane. With the other disablilites, I can still do things... with this... I can do next to nothing except sleep, and that isn't so good either I might add. This is a very tough time for me. Not to mention that I look fine and normal on the surface which is really confusing when you are trying to tell people you are sick. It's hard to describe, it really is.

This is my nightmare. This is my life. And as low as that sounds, I can start living with it. I went back to school way too soon after diagnosis. And NOW, and only now, am I discovering what it means to have MS. They say it's livable. It is. But I don't know what kind of life that is yet. I know this: it's not what I was before. No where near it.

Plunged into a nightmare and I can't wake up.