Monday, September 26, 2005

Here's what's happening

Today is what I would call a "bad day" or "one of those days." It actually started last night around 11:00pm. I became extreamly tired and began feeling like I was nodding off. I put down what I was reading and tried to watch a little TV before bed. I kept getting the sensation like I was falling through my bed. I kept trying to self talk myself out of panic mode. I thought maybe it was the medication increase that was doing this. Anway, I kept at it until I finally just got out of bed at 1:00 am. I kept trying to tell myself I wasn't going to die, don't be foolish. But I rarely listen to myself.

I have no idea what spurned all this but I'll tell ya, today isn't much better. So here's the skinny:

I feel very weak in the muscles, especially legs and left arm. My eyesight is giving me trouble and I feel a little dizzy. And of course I am very tired.

Possiblities: 1. medication side effect
2. Relapse - having a MS attack
3. Losing my mind

While 3 dosen't seem like much of a possibility, 2 certainly is and I'm hoping it's only 1.

I missed school today because of this. I wonder if stress brings this on. I'm totally worried about my student loans. The papers havn't come yet in the mail and I need to get on this right away before too long. Money so stresses me out.

The course load isn't so bad, I mean I'm handling it ok.

I know I'm not getting enough exercise but I was going to start a remedy for that today until all this happened.

I went up for bloodwork and to reschedule my missed appointment with Jean, but both the lab and her office were closed. Perfect. They knew I was coming.

What I'm doing about it all:
Well, I'm going to continue to do as much work as I can in the mean time. I'm going to make an appointment to see Dr. Leckey ASAP. I'm going to take it easy and try not to panic. I felt so good on sunday (well not physically but I was pretty up in spirit) it's hard to place how I am now--this is all so sudden. But I guess that's the way MS works.

I can sit here and type all day how this is effecting me but what I really need is to get past it all so I can get back to "life" out there in the real world. Interesting... when did my disease become a part of an imaginary life. I think I need to work on that. Hasn't this thing been brought into my mainstream life yet? How long will that take? Sometimes I feel it slipping out, other times it is a part of who I am and I am comfortable with it all. Today, not so much.


At 6:34 PM, Blogger Louisa said...

I'm talking to you now and even in the middle of a crap day with some pretty scary symptoms, you are bearing it with humour and typical Doug zen-ness. I don't know how you do it but damn is it impressive. We're here for you hun, whenever you need a boost. You'll get through this and everything else, because it's not in your nature to let anything bring you down :) Love ya!


At 3:41 PM, Blogger dave said...

I'm happy you have so many friends like Weeza giving you their love and support. She's right too. You will get through this.
As always you are in my thoughta and prayers.
-love Dave

At 8:29 AM, Blogger Celeste said...

Sounds like a bad period right about now...I hope you are feeling better since that last post and that your body is responding well to your meds and exercise. You have a lot on your plate for ANYONE so remember to go easy and be gentle with yourself. You are healing...I loved our visit last week. Hope we can do it again! Take Care. Peace, Celeste

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Scented Orchirds said...

its just not your week, huh?but i'm sure u'll get pass this...ofcourse you are not going to die...i know its easier to give advice when you are not in that person's shoes, and i know that I can never know what you are going through, no matter how much I study about MS...
so hang in there,you are not alone...and pls dont miss your appointments, ok?


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