Doug's MS Journal

Back again... for how long?

2008-08-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's been what feels like years since I've updated here. I don't know why I decided to come back except that I am experiencing a great number of medical problems (99% not MS related as far as I know) and I wanted to keep a record of what's going on. Mainly for my sanity I think but also to make sure I don't overlook or forget anything the next time I am at a doctor's office.

First and foremost, I'm in limbo. I have no family doctor and I've had trouble getting one. Same deal with the Neurologist, although I do have an app with one next spring in Montreal. So I've been surviving by going to clinics when I need too.

Enough of that, here's what is going on now:
nasty eye infection in both eyes - I figure I got it from my contacts because I've been getting sloppy with my hand washing, in fact I don't to it all anymore so that explains how it spread. Where it comes from take your pick, this week I've swam in a dirty lake, been around children... who knows. I got and I'm using some antibiotic eye drops I got from a doctor at a clinic here in Prince Albert, Sask. Oh yeah, I'm in PA by the way. Until Monday. Been here all summer... long story.

I have tinnitus in my left ear from where the above doctor scraped wax out of my ear with crazy metal thing causing trauma of some type. He started the right ear but it hurt so bad I stopped him. And now my right ear can't handle pressure - it pains like crazy. Which is very bad timing on my part because I'm flying home to NS in about 32 hours. I hope all this ear stuff heals before then. Unlikely. That flight is going to be the worst ever.

The reason he was poking around my ears was to check for infection because I have a nasty throat infection which I'm taking an antibiotic for. That's doing a lot better though. Through the worst of it I think, but it's left we weekend and tired and mentally drained.

These things are being dealt with, however. This one isn't until I get home:

About 2 weeks ago I had a really bad pimple on my body, I tried to pop it but made it so worse. I didn't pop and I was left in a lot of pain. The pain eventually subsided after a few days but it left a painful lump with a rash. It is not mostly healed but around the area of original zit I have about 30 more smaller ones that seem to come and then look like they are getting better but then they don't. And even worse it's spreading. Right now all of this area is nothing more than a pest, itching a lot and looking rather displeasing to me. I've been obsessed with it, tying to find out what it could be online. Everything I found led me crazy assumptions of what it is. I still don't really know but it's my top priority after all this other stuff is taken care of. I have to get it before it gets way out of control. I should have dealt with this when it first happened but again why I didn't is a long story.

Finally, I have an appointment that was a summer in the making, I noticed a hard cyst where there shouldn't be one and I have an appointment for an ultra sound on the 25th of August. Hopefully this isn't cancer.

Despite all that I believe I've been experiencing lost of small MS symptoms. Sensitive skin, painful to the touch and some shooting pain through old MS areas. Nothing I can't handle. I expected worse to tell you the truth, I've been lucky this far that nothing serious has happened with my MS since the major one a few years ago. Go me. If I could just go to the doctor when I fist notice something, maybe I wouldn't end up with multiple infections. Will I ever learn.

I hope so. From now on I'm going to do something and I'm not going to feel like a burden on the health care system. I have a right to my health in this country, I'm going to embrace it.

I still can't believe I let it get this far out of my hands. All of it. This is just ridiculous. No more procrastination on health issues. I swear I'm going to be the death of me.

Withdrawl

2007-09-23T12:04:00.001-07:00

So I didn't take medication pretty much all weekend. So yes I'm getting pangs of withdrawl. It isn't pleasent. I didn't take it because I was drinking so much alcohol so yeah... It's actually smart that I didn't. But I realize I went a little too long and now I'm freaking out a bit for no reason over silly things--like being alone. At least I know what it is and I have a handle on it. I don't want to take anything now becuase it might make me sleepy and I don't want to fall asleep now because I'll be up all night. So I have a few more hours of unpleasent withdrawl to wheather. I just need to hang out with peeps. Problems is I don't know who to call. Rotten, dirty, withdrawl symptoms. Doing laundry and dishes will at least make me feel productive and help take my mind away from the woes.

Love Yourself - Because

2007-07-17T19:24:00.001-07:00

Somewhere in here, I stopped caring.

Well all that's going to change. Starting tomorrow, or the next day. Time to make doctors appt.'s before I go back to Montreal: for good this time. I'm not coming back to CB again to live. Except to visit on holidays. I'm going cosmopolitan. Time to get some big city doctors now.

Because I should and I deserve it.

Sick... again... :S

2007-07-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

Sick... that's the theme of the last 2 days...

Not really sick but wierd sick. For example, I couldn't eat. I just wasn't interested in food for some reason. So anyone who was looking for me, correction, anyone who was looking for me and still reads this blog, that is why you couldn't find me.

But I am feeling better. And I ate today, so it's getting better whatever it was.

Cheers.

AFTER some THOUGHT

2007-06-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

Remember when life was simple? When good and evil existed? When there was the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do? The right things to say and the wrong things to say? For me, that was all before Derrida.

But in my state of humanity (which I seem, for the time being at least, locked into with none but one unthinkable escape), I constantly try to get back to that "golden age." To when things could be settled with a type of duality that really only makes sense to children and American voters. And as I'm neither an American voter nor a child, looking at life through the bifocals of duality is not an option. Never the less, I have crafted a thought. Well, more like condensed something complex into something simpler.

I used to believe that there are people who want to help you and people who want to hinder you. Then I grew up. And now I see that there are people who hurt you and people who help you. All I had to do was take out their intentions.

But Doug, sometimes people DO want to hurt you or help you. Yes. Sometimes. Not all the time. What I'm driving at here is this: there are people in the world who hurt us, thinking that they are helping and the vice versa, people who help us thinking that they are hurting us and everything in between. Furthermore, to the meat of the argument, sometimes the people who hurt you are the same people who help you, and those who help, hurt you. It does me no good to lump people into one category or the other. And it makes it easier to forgive those who've wronged me in the past.

By this I mean, I realize there is no certainty, especially where it concerns people. People do all kinds of strange things with no justification and my own perception of anther's motivation is always going to be suspect if I group people into categories of "hurts me" or "helps me." It allows me to be taken advantage of and it allows me to take advantage, like some god-damned opportunist. This is not who I am or what I want to be. The bottom line is both groups have the potential to do both actions.

So unless you are a complete and total screw up in life, it's impossible for me to hold a grudge. Your intentions toward me, as well as my own perception of your intentions are useless in the end. The only thing I can control with 100% certainty are my own intentions.

If all I want in life is to be happy, then I make adjustments to that end. Simple.

So summery: Good/Bad? No. Good=Bad/Bad=Good? Yes.
Always forgiveness? Yes. Unless trespasser psychotic.

:)

Quick Update

2007-06-21T11:59:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm going to spell this right, but I have a reiki session scheduled for the 30th of June. I don't buy into it. But my friends do. It can't do me any harm so what the hell. Stranger things have happened.

I find staying fit and eating right, getting the proper amount of rest and exercise pretty much keeps this disease in control. And any slight problems I have I deal with. I don't let it get me down and I stay positive. And in this way, I've been able to stay off my Rebif for near 8 months now and they were the best 8 months of my life.

Still, I have been neglecting modern medicine. I've not scheduled the appointments I need nor taken the medication prescribed to me and I refuse to go to the hospital for treatment when needed. Somehow, I feel stronger and more alive than ever with no side effects. I'm thinking about just getting a physical to make sure everything is in order, to put an end to questions lingering. But I really do feel fine.

I made it to Taiji on Tuesday and I did 40 min of group meditation, which was just what I needed. I felt at peace and full of love after it was done. It was beautiful. Spirit=cleansed. Mind=mostly cleansed. Body=cleansed. I'm near as healthy as I can be.
Cheers.

Flashes of light

2007-05-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

For the last few weeks I've been getting random flashes of light in my bad eye. As if some invisible signalman where trying to reach me. Eye open, eye closed--doesn't matter. The poet in me is trying to make me believe it is tied to something metaphysical. But my skeptic won't allow it. Thinking about this illness from the point of view of ancient man, it appears some spirit or other is after me, throwing bolts of lightning at my brain.

Nothing I can do but use it in my words, words, words... Just a recording the occurrence in case it's important later.

Been a while...

2007-03-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

I've been ignoring this blog about as much as I've been ignoring my disease...

Just got over a nasty sinus infection... didn't need any meds... but it was disgusting... don't want to do that again... lumpy-greeny-slimly-and chunky (yeah chunky) goop. Ewwww.... I won't go into detail. Much better now, however... thank god.

Muscle stiffness

2006-12-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

My left masseter muscle seems a bit tense. It's been bothering me but not preventing me from normal opperations. It might just be from some of the neck strenghtening and lengthening exercises I did the other day with Joanne Abbot. I hope so. If so I don't expect it to be still stiff tomorrow or at least by Friday. However, I havn't ruled out MS completely yet. Just thought it was something to note, but not worry about.

Cheers.

Vomit.

2006-12-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Got food poisioning last night. Havn't felt like that since Victoria when I was coming off prednisone: the same psycho heart burn. At least this time I knew what it was and I didn't panik and run to the Emergancy room. Mostly fine now. Just tired. :) Happy days though in between all the vomit nonsense.

Cheers.

ouch

2006-10-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

My stomach is in knots. I'm trying very hard not to throw-up. Nausia comes in waves. My foot is cramping on it's own. I think I'm under too much stress. I need sleep. Possibly that's all it is. I was fine up until supper time. I didn't eat lunch then at supper way too fast. I've felt sick since then. I didn't get to do my laundry as a result. My calves are really sore. I keep getting cold and then too hot.

I hope I'm not getting sick. This could be very bad. Very bad indeed.

:(

Canadian Collaborative Project on Genetic Susceptibility in Multiple Sclerosis (CCPGSMS)

2006-08-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

I've been invited by Dr. Mandat Maharaj, on behalf of the Dalhousie Multiple Sclerosis Research Unit, to participate in a research study on the above title. Apparently I have been "assessed as being eligible" for the study and it is inclusive of 15 clinics nation wide. The idea behind the study is to "ascertain more clearly the specific genes involved in MS, as well as any environmental factors which may play a role." I guess in order to find a cure we have to find a cause. I don't see why I wouldn't participate. It's my future we're talking about here.

Now maybe it's just bias, as I have a vested interest, but it seems to me that scientists who study the mating habits of endangered fruit flies of the Amazon are a waste of a scientific brain. This venture seems to me totally worth while. And while they may ask for multiple blood samples and god knows what else, I just can't say no to good research that may help me and people like me. As Canada has one of the highest rates of MS in the world, if not the highest, we should naturally be one of the leaders in the fight for a cure. At least that's how I see it.

So now I just have to wait for this Alberta Schaap or Cindy McCarron to call me. I hope they do soon because in two days I'll be living in Montreal. :)

So I guess the next step is to find out who my fathers real family is so I can give them all the required information. I never thought I'd have to do that. And I have to, because it's good research, and I don't mind tearing though a few layers of emotional pain and discomfort to find a cure one day. If my suffering will prevent someone's pain in the future then so be it, eh? This is essentially it: my (birth) father is an asshole--he was adopted--don't know him, or his real family, know that one of his blood brothers lives in North Sydney, and another lives in Donkin. That's the best place to start. oooo... I feel like a detective... Just like law & order. hehehe. The difficult part is that I'm going to have to do all of this from Montreal--in my spare time, which is going to be almost nil.

And that's that, I guess.

More Updates

2006-08-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Back on the rebif tonight. Have to get the following tests done before I leave in a week.

-25 hidroxy vitamin D
-Cholesterol & Triglycerides profile (which requires a 12 hour fast)

Yay. Lucky me. :)

All the news.

Report

2006-08-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Big day today. A lot happend. The morning was another up too early thanks to me going to bed too late last night and forgetting to put my keys on the key rack which promts my up too early for work dad to wake me way to early to look for them. I wish I'd just remember to do that when I'm out late.

So I had an appointment with a "new" neurologist today; well he was the one that seen me the first time, 5 years ago, and couldn't find anything wrong with me. It was just my one year checkup to see how far my MS is progressing. The news is all good. My eyesight with my glasses on is 20/20 in my right eye, 20/25 in my left 'blind' eye which has about 80-85% of its vision back. All my reflexes were good, my gait is good, minimal problems with bladder and bowel, spasticity is 'ok' and there were only a few problems with my left side which is a little sluggish to respond to commands. All and all a successful visit.

As it turns out, Dr. Maharaj is also an actor/director and did a lot of work in the Carabien, so we had some good conversation about theatre during the check up. Interesting man, and I didn't hold it against when he couldn't find anything wrong with me because he threw the book at me as far as check lists go: I'm getting my cholestoral checked and my vitaman D level, I still can't remember why. And I got a prescription for Vitamen D supplaments. Merm... whatever. I'll take 'em I guess. He said to take them with tums. I guess they are hard on the tummy.

When I got to Judo tonight I was feeling pretty good and I over did it, just a bit. Yeah. Tonight was the closest I've come to throwing up from a work out in my life. I'm gonna be sore in the morning. But I've been feeling so down about not being able to run 5 miles anymore, I just want to know I can still be in shape and still fight my best if I so choose. I guess I'll have to suffer through some painful workouts until my body can handle it.

I'm leaving in 12 days for Montreal. I still have to get a referral to a GP up there so I can get in touch with a neuro doc and a clinic--of which Montreal has some of the best in Canada--and then sent the info to here so they can send my files up to Montreal. Nothing like supplanting my entire medical team in only a couple weeks. Yay. lol

It was funny giving my medical history to Maharaj. He asked about my first attack. I told him all about it. Then he asked if I had seen a neurologist. I said Yes. He said here? I said yes. He said who did you see? I said -- YOU. hahaha. He said... w.w wah.. I didn't find anything?
nope?
Did I send you for an MRI
no
we didn't have one here then
no
so you would have had to go to Halifax for that then
yup
oh, so don't be too hard on me about not finding anything then
*I laugh--politely*

And that's pretty much how that went. I always get so nervious when I go to those and they are examining you and talking to the nuse telling her what they want done in forign medical language that sounds like military talk. I get the shakes when anyone looks into my eyes with lights like that and he spent a lot of time there, like he found something wrong. It always freaks me out. But he liked what he saw and I was out of there in 30 min. Met a real nice lady in the waiting area too. She told me she had an optic neuritis in both her eyes and was partially crippled with her right leg and could hardly walk--a scary glimpse into the future. I felt so bad for her--such a rare thing to have both eyes out. And she seemed really worried about it not coming back. God, what a shit disease. I can still do Judo though (Brown belt--oh yeah) and I'm going to acting school. Life ain't over yet, man. Life ain't over.

murm

2006-08-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm ok. My mind is squrming a bit, my eyes feel like they are dancing and my breath feels short. Of course, everything is fine--my pulse is good, my lungs are ok.. in fact the only thing out of order seems to be I'm not getting enough sleep. I blame all my discomfort on that.

I'm almost out of rebif. I didn't do anything about getting any more yet. I assume my clinic on the 14th will yeild a new perscription. If so, I'm only going to miss one or two doses on the sunday before it and maybe the tuesday possibly the thursday. Missing a week won't kill me so I'll just bring it up at my appointment that my perscription is up.

I also have to find out what I'm doing to psyc council in Montreal. My appt. for that isn't until the 26th (I'm leaving on the 28th--nothing like cutting it close).

I'm hoping to get out tonight, when the energy comes up, to get around for a long walk. I tried running the other day and haven't felt good since then. So I think I'll stick with my walking despite my longing for a good run. Sometimes I can do it.. other times.. meh... C'est le vie.

Pray for sleep and a quite mind. Those are the only things escaping me at the moment. Need that energy. Good, clean, positive energy. Been a while since I had that. :)

Not much change.

2006-07-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

Little of the same today. The mornings seem to suck but once I get up and moving the stiffness goes away and I feel great. Movement. That's the key. Can't give up moving if you want to stay active. Sounds like simple common sense but looking at a set of stairs when you're MS is kicking your ass... not that easy then.

A little sore today, I think because of a combination of Meds and Judo. I actually made it in a little late but I had a decent workout. I like how working out makes your body forget things. It focuses your mind and I can always just go for a run if I'm feeling like jumping out ' my skin, ya know? Brings me back to breathing. Simple breathing. For Zen and long life. :)

But I'm just getting ready to go sailing right now. Have a race to win. Gotta take some pain killers, tie up some sails and have a blast! Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep moving. That's the thing.

Spastic

2006-07-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well after a good month of feeling amazing the MS has finally caught up with me. At least I managed to get my brown belt. That's a big accomplishment so I'm happy about that. Today I'm dealing with a ton of pain in my left leg. It's gone spastic and the muscles have stretched out my tendons and I can't stretch my foot out like normal. I can walk, albeit a little painfully, but I doubt I'd be much good for running, biking, swimming, or judo. Which sucks because I love doing all that stuff.

My weight is good, whatever my shape has been saying. I must have lost muscle and gained my weight back in bad weight. Damn it. That's all I have to say about that.

Breathing has been a little difficult the last few days, but today it is quite clear out. It must have been the shit weather causing the discomfort. That was making me a little depressed for a couple of days. But the sun seems to have cleared most of that up. Just have to deal with pain for now.

I also have a slight ear infection. I noticed I couldn't hear as well out of my left ear and I had a sore throat the last few days. It's probably from swimming or something. But anyway, it's not bothering me that much, just a little bit of a nuisance. Of course all these little nuisances add up to major problems in the end. Maybe I will make an appointment.

...As I'm making appointments, I have to get in touch with the clinic--my prescription of Rebif is almost out! EEK! And I have to locate a doctor in Montreal before I go. All this stuff I have to do. 4 weeks and I'm a Quebecer! Yay!!!!!

Success

2006-07-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

How many people with MS find themsleves, a year and a half after diagnosis, preparing for a Brown Belt in Judo? I don't know the answer to that, but I'm glad to say I am. Despite being blind in one eye and having a ton of other symptoms, I'm still Alive (Pearl Jam reference - thanks Jamie.)

This disease will never run me. Never dominate me. Never stop me from being what I was supposed to become. Never stop me from competing. Never stop me from being active. And I will never stop living with it, fighting it, accepting it for what it is, turning the other cheek when I'm knocked to the ground.

Vive le resistance, vive la vie, vive moi!

And I have 30 min to get to Judo class so I have to stop there!

SUCCESS!!!

Finally

2006-06-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

I finally got my bloodwork done. Sheesh. That was a long time coming. Feeling really good. Nothing to report health wise. Feeling a lot more in shape this week than last week. Must keep sailing and going to judo and taiji. Havn't been out running or biking much. Must get that going again too. That's all for now.

Worst night in while...

2006-06-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

I got to sleep ok, but after about an hour or so, I woke up, shivering in a fever and couldn't get back to sleep. I lay in bed for god knows how long, totally awake and aware that I desperately need sleep to function but no matter what I try, can't get there. Take 2 extra strength tylonol, after 20 min, shaking stops. Can't sleep for another hour, sun will be up in a few minutes. Gus starts barking at nothing... and gus is loud, wakes the whole house up, he's spooked about something, still don't know what. I give in, get up, take some lorazapram, ly down again. This will work for sure. Woof. What the f....? GUS! Eventually fall alseep around 7am or so, wake up at 12, feeling like hell. All of this of course points to one thing:

NEEDLE DAYS STILL SUCK DONKEY BALLS!!!!!

Update

2006-06-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

I'm proud of myself for last night. I survived 4 hours of intense martial arts training. Too bad today was a sloth day. I expected as much after that workout in addition to needle time which always makes me feel like I worked 10 times harder than I did. So yeah. It wouldn't be so bad if where I am living wasn't so damned noisey in the mornings. And I think that sword form did a number on my right buttock. haha. One really fancy move involving a crouch really twisted up that muscle in a funny way. Sitting down and walking hurt. So I guess that means no exercise today if I want to be alive for tomorrow.

Basically I feel a little closer into shape thatn I have been after that. The fact that I survived all of that gave me confidence. Except that I took a good hard knee in the teeth it wasn't that bad. Albeit, I didn't go full out, just did what I could but I held my own and dished it out. :0 Yay. Go me!!! :D

Dammit

2006-06-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

I missed my appt. at the clinic. I totally forgot about it. Feck! I should call this afternoon and rebook. I've been slacking inthe health department. I'm out of shape, havn't been getting my regular blood tests and missing doses. But I've been getting good sleep, feel alright, and I'm slowly working back into a regular program. But I have to work harder at being on time and getting where I have to be, physically and mentally and otherwise. Just a little harder, not asking for much from myself. You'd think it would be easy. Guess not...

Bad few days

2006-06-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted, but I've hardly done anything. Haven't felt quite like myself the last 3 days. I've been pretty groggy. I hope this isn't a sign of something coming, everytime I've had a relapse or something I've been tired for days or weeks beforehand.

What topples that is a new, potentialy serious, medical problem that is unrelated to MS. I'll have to get that checked out next week and see what that is all about. In the mean time, I've been in a lot of pain and so tired I can't really do anything, including work so I just have to survive a little longer and maybe things will clear up.

I have to start sleeping better. That is a major problem. There is quite a bit of stress in my life right now as well. Dealing with things I never thought I'd have to deal with. Sometimes I can't breathe when I think about it, other times it all makes sense and I handle it well.

Hopefully some energy will find me in the next couple of days. My Friday night is obviously shot to hell. So much for the best laid plans. :S

I wish the sun would come out and the dampness would go for a bit. That might help with my mood. But there are more pression and concerning things to worry about for the now. Cheers.

Fellow Artist Living with MS

2006-06-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

I cam across this story by Aaron Solowoniuk, the drummer for Billy Talent, and I thought it interesting enough to share here as his story is strikingly similar to mine.

...It was November of 1997, I had just started a new job at Chrysler building
the new intrepid, Concorde and 300m. I was making more money, and I could take
off more time to play shows with my band Pezz. Days after starting my new job I
got a strange numbness in my legs. I couldn't walk for more than five minutes
without having to sit down because of this pain in my legs. I thought it was
just because this job was a lot more physically demanding then my last job.

After months of tests I was told that I probably had MS but a full
diagnosis couldn't be made until I had another symptom within two years.

In November of 1998 the numbness in my legs was gone but I could make it
come back by bending my neck forward. This would also send a feeling of an
electrical shock to my feet. Just a couple months later in January of 1999, I
suddenly got an awful pain in my left eye. It was like being punched in the eye
by a ghost. I went straight to my eye doctor; he told me I had optic neuritis.

When I told this to my neurologist, I found out that it's very common
for people with MS and the disease was progressing. He wanted me to start a new
type of medicine. I had to self-inject myself three times a week in the arm,
thigh, stomach or butt--and do this for the rest of my life.

I
practically ran out of the doctor's office and into the stairwell with my
girlfriend close behind me. We cried in the stairwell for a while and then went
right over to my parents' house. Through all of this madness, I was so lucky to
have my girlfriend, who is now my wife and the mother of our amazing daughter,
beside me.

Coming to terms with the fact that I had to start giving
myself needles forever was really hard. A could've of the side effects really
hit me once I started the medication. I feel in to a deep depression and started
seeing a psychiatrist. I really felt like my life was falling apart. I had
always wanted to be a drummer in a rock band but was told I should "take it
ease." I remember saying "ya right" in my head: none of my dreams had come true
and now I had an incurable disease.

It was really rough for the first
year and a half but the new medicine started to work. The MS Society of Canada
helped me get all the information and tools to get my life back on track. My
symptoms were gone, and when they did come back they were just minor set backs.

We changed the name of the band from Pezz to Billy Talent and continued
writing music. We released a four song EP and got a record deal. I quit my job
and started playing drums full time.

I guess the reason I'm telling you
this is because I didn't let something like MS get in the way of me becoming who
I was suppose to become...

Rock on Aaron! Like you, I didn't let MS stop me from becoming who I was suppose to become. NTS awaits my arrival as does the rest of my life as an actor. Maybe one day I'll write up my story and publish it in the MS journal. Kudos for finding the right girl from the start too. I think I just found mine recently (again). Proper support can't be understated in times of need. And it takes a caring, patient, and understanding individual to stay the course. That's for any chronic illness or disease; it's usually a long tough road to recovery and they have to be just as tough as we are. Finding out how tough someone is is difficult without subjecting them to the same conditions (which I would not wish on my enemies), so a lot of guess work can leave us broken hearted at times. Hooray for complex living.

On another note, I've also put together a nice training program. It's very flexible and light and should provide the best results, achieving max effect through min effort. Now I need to get a meal plan together. :) I love food.

New Schedule

2006-05-24T10:19:00.001-07:00

I change my dosing schedule to be more friendly to my judo training. I'm now taking my needles on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. This also has another bonus side-effect: it totally gives me back my weekends! Bomb! :D

Making an appt. today to see Dr. Christians. Have to check and see how my progress on this new therapy is going. I feel pretty good so it much be working but there are still a few instances of sudden loss of thoughts and control. But I handled it. Plus he wants Shauna (being the person who knows me best and is closest to me) to show up with me. I don't know what his plans are for her but we will see. Should be fun.

What else... oh yeah.. I have to remember to get some bloodwork done this week. Long overdue. That's about it for Health issues this week.

New Schedule

2006-05-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

update

2006-05-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

Mentally, I couldn't be better. My mind is fit and balanced. I've been dedicating most of my mental energy, in preparation for my trip to Montreal, to working on my audition pieces. That will be over with next week.

Physically, I feel stronger than I have in a while. I'm planning on going back to judo tonight. Uthoff's Syndrome be damned. I miss sweating and the feeling of an intense workout. I know, I know, don't worry, I'll be taking it slow for a bit.

Symptom wise, I anticipate problems with vision and balance. But I'm determined to bull my way through them. I've had it with obstaining from things becuase of MS symtoms. Time to enjoy what I can do and not worry about what I can't.

Feeling good. Cheers.
-D

100th post

2006-04-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to update.

I had some trouble with my legs this morning. I was in pain for a good part of the day and I'm pretty fatigued. It was probably becuase I hadn't taken the rebif ina while and I exerted myself quite a bit in Ottawa over the weekend. Nothing to worry about. Just needed a day off my legs.

Feeling pretty good about life and what not.

Chillin and chillaxin'

peace.

update on me

2006-04-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

Ok. Condition yellow. That means improvement. Next step is green.

Exercise: Able to walk up to a mile. Going to go for mile and a half today.
Diet: Slowly changing over to the more healthy lifestyle.
Sleep: Learing to get more, still using drugs to help.
Drugs: Rebif (3 a week), Celexa (10mg nightly), Adivan (.5mg x 2 /day-1-2mg at night), Ibprophen (when needed)

Dr. Christians gave me an actual prescription for REST. He gave me a list of things I'm not allowed to do for 3 months on his prescription sheet. Studying was one of them.

He said that I haven't had a break in a full year. Always something coming up and that I need a few months to heal. He was right too. I didn't realize it. But every month for the last year has had a new medical/personal/social crisis. And all my symptoms now are from exhaustion. No wonder I was so depressed and losing my mind.

My deepest and sincearest thank yous to those of you who seen what was happening in the last year and stuck it out with me. I think you are all breaver than me. Mom and dad, Shauna, Nicole, Frank. The only people who would never leave my side. You define what love is to me.

Now, time to rest and recover my wits.

Embryonic Stem Cell Research Protects Animals’ Rights

2006-04-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

I read recently that they’re now using lawyers instead of rats for scientific experiments. They do this for two reasons: one, the scientists become less attached to the lawyers, and two, there’s certain things that even rats won’t do.
-Jim V. Hart

Unintentionally, he has a point. Through the cocktail party humor there is a current of ethical seriousness: why the severe moral dilemma at the thought of subjecting humans to the same traumatic, sometimes brutal, existence of lab rats? The idea is so preposterous it therein provides opportunity for Hart’s humor—no one would seriously allow such treatment to a human. Imagine that instead of infant rhesus monkeys that human infants were the subject of Margaret and Harry Harlow’s renowned research; or more maliciously, the infamous cat sex experiments at the Museum of Natural History in New York. The sad fact is, since the discovery that stolen pets were being sold to research laboratories in the 1960’s, little progress has been made for animal liberation. Although humanity advocates appreciation for the little knowledge actually gained from such atrocities, the human species is in great debt to the animal kingdom and our collective deficit will unlikely be paid in full: no human will suffer as have animals suffered in the name of progress. This underscores the main question, how much animal (including human) suffering is justifiable for net scientific gain?

Despite public awareness of the aforementioned facts, and countless others, which exploded in the media after animal activism became mainstream, lawmakers put to work like Kasimir Malevich’s white on whites but with all the appeal of his Black Quadrilateral. To say that the establishment of the Animal Welfare Act is minimalist lawmaking is to understate present conditions, considering that tens of millions of animals a year are used in federally and privately funded experiments and many of these animals, bred for use in research, are not protected under the Act. Meanwhile, as research animals are used and abused for sometimes-shady purposes, the conservative governments of the world, ascribing to circular pro-life reasoning, denounce the cloning of human embryos for medical research where medical and scientific communities potentially stand to make enormous gains and advances. Whether the governments hold out or not, the argument remains: animals are separated from humans by a supposed intrinsic value—a lesser value, imposing human superiority. Nevertheless, substituting animal research for cloning technologies and allowing the natural course of scientific progression would help ease animal suffering significantly.

The human hierarchal structure of intrinsic value is undoubtedly going to value human life above all others. Thus, as long as humans suffer, they will act in their own self-interest to alleviate suffering, even at the cost of the so-called ‘sub-human’ species. However, if it were an accepted fact that all animals have equal intrinsic value, no animal would be sub-human and exploitation of any non-human animal would be as much a crime as the abuse of a human. Because of human nature, if a cure is found or a drug developed from an animal that animal will be exploited. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that finding alternate means of researching and developing techniques is one way of limiting the suffering and repression of animals, for example, legalization of cloning procedures. This important and controversial research holds the keys unlocking a cure for a number of diseases being treated with medications made from animals.

Although it is beyond the scope of this article to enumerate all the advances potentially unleashed by embryonic stem cell research, it is necessary to provide some short examples to support the premise before furthering the argument that the research would be an acceptable substitute for animals. So consider the case of two immunity-type diseases, MS and AIDS. Because stem cells are cells that are capable of dividing indefinitely in culture, and give rise to specialized cells, they can potentially be used to create any type of cell in the body. In MS, stem cell research could be used not only to build a new immune system and cure the disease but also, more dramatically, repair the damage done to the nervous system (scarring in the brain and spinal cord: sclerosis) by the afflicted immune system. Replacing neurons and other vital nervous system cells would restore mobility and function to permanently disabled MS patients. Currently, this technology is on the shelf and the state-of-the-art treatment used to control MS is an interferon protein made from the ovary cells of Chinese hamsters (CHO cells). Interferon drugs are sometimes hard on the body and are not a cure and it cost about twenty thousand dollars to supply an MS patient for a year as well as the life of the hamsters that were used to proliferate the cells. Stem cell research being conducted in Australia hopes to provide a treatment for AIDS, another disease that uses drugs developed from animals. Some of the more questionable AIDS drugs are constructed from animals with higher intellect than hamsters: i.e. sharks, to treat AIDS related cancers. With the advent of stem cell research, AIDS related cancers could be treated without the use of alternative therapies that utilize shark cartilage which, despite its unproven track record, is still being widely used as several shark species are being hunted to extinction.

With the benefits of stem cell research outlined, the moral implications of animal research become a powerful factor for motivating stem cell technology. Yet some critics believe exceptions are required in relation to the provision of principals provided in the Animal Welfare Act which state no limits on permissible exceptions. As mentioned above, it is a common belief in western culture that the value of animal life is much lower than that of persons, which means that to kill an animal much less reason is required than is necessary to justify the killing of a person. Basically, there is no predetermined scale for measuring the value of a life, animal or human and philosophy is the only recourse.

From the utilitarian moral philosophy employed by many animal rights activists comes the belief that the interests of every being affected by an action are to be taken into account and given the same weight as the like interests of any other being. Through this philosophy it is understood that all animals are, in fact, equal. So like the suffering of humans, if a non-human being suffers, there can be no moral justification for refusing to take that suffering into consideration, including medical research that benefits humans and harms or kills animals. Therefore, even a favorable benefit-cost ratio of animal research where the benefits are otherwise unattainable does not justify the use of animals in medical research. This line of reasoning makes viable alternatives that would eliminate or reduce the harms associated with research on animals an avenue that ought to be pursued very vigorously, alternatives such as embryonic stem cell research.

To simplify, an analogous situation is the clichéd example of an alien species coming to earth and using humans to extract a type of human cell to treat an alien disease. It is assumed that said ‘aliens’ are as much above us on the evolutionary scale as humans are above a hamster. But differing modes of cognition complicate this issue. If animals do not experience a reality on the same cognitive level as a human then that could be a factor that distinguishes between a higher and lower life form. The problem is, again, that no measurement system of such qualities or abilities currently exists and a lot of criticism against the utilitarian/sliding-scale argument—rational agents are more valuable than other animals—rests on this premise.

To expound this problem, how is a rational being defined? Rats, commonly acknowledged as a lower form of life, have been observed as lively, intelligent and sociable creatures, an opportunist species that naturally explores its environment, and is therefore capable of being bored when that exploration is frustrated. Hitherto, even the ‘higher’ intellectual forms of life, such as dolphins or great apes, which still do not have equal rights under the law with humans, are incapable of communicating to a point that humans would consider species equilibrium. Therefore, humans cannot act in order to bring about the optimum aggregate balance of good over bad consequences for all those affected by what we do because humans would have to assume practical autonomy where it cannot be proven beyond a doubt. But surely it is logical to assume that animals are just as self-interested as humans by merely observing self-preservation tactics in action. So now the issue turns back to using cloning technology to replace animals.

However, cloning presents its own set of moral problems, based on the idea that science moves faster than moral understanding and that the knowledge gained from such procedures will be used towards unnatural ends. A well-founded concern considering the self-interested nature of humans and examining this moral vertigo is a weighty conundrum. There are also those who turn the utilitarian perspective on itself, conceding that yes, all animals are equal, but killing a human embryo is killing a human, therefore cloning for medical research should not be a consideration. Yet, the purposed uses for this technology concerning stem cells does not require the death of an infant or the cloning of an entire human being. Moreover, all animals being equal, we have already cloned many species of animals and conducted chimera experiments—mixing together of species—the proverbial genie is well out of the bottle.

Another complicating factor in this debate is the proliferation of cell cultures. Cell cultures today replace the use of living animals. The idea is that a few die for the extraction process and the needed cells are cloned or grown in the lab. This is the process currently in use to make the MS interferon drugs Rebif, Avonex, and Betaseron. The value of cell cultures to replace extraction from living animals is enormous. It reduces the amount of unnecessary death to the absolute minimum needed for successful cultures; one animal is a sacrifice for the rest of its species. The questions is this: would we sacrifice a human life the same way and dismiss that life as easily? Sanctity of life, all life, would prohibit the killing of any animal, including humans, for research but it is the value of human life above animals that muddies the water. The same moral standards by which humans hold themselves are not applied to other animals.

Today, the laws and regulations in place that effect using animals in painful procedures and experiments are not enough to keep most research in western society in check. Despite the advances being made in genetic manipulation of human stem cell research, little has been done to make substitutions in technologies that could allay the suffering of research animals. Most rational people seem to agree that the widespread use of animal cells and animal parts notwithstanding, it would be preferable to not use animals for these medical reasons. Whether or not it is appropriate to assume that humans are a superior life form with rights over ‘sub-human’ species, it has not stopped humans from acting under that assumption. One can only hope people will take notice and this attitude towards the objectification of animals will be rectified. After all, vivisection in the name of science is akin to burning at the stake in the name of religion.

say goodbye to doug for the weekend.

2006-04-07T03:11:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'm off to la la land for quite a while.
I was to see Dr. Christians today, and we discovered that my bloodwork is fine. It is all stress. So he told me not to write my exams and gave me documents to get out of it. He is also putting me back on Celexa, our trial of me toughing it out is over and considering my pressent situation, I need it to mellow me out. I'm the type of person that keeps chugging through everything and needs to stop! Before I kill myself. So then he gives me yet another perscriptiong for Adivan, big doses this time, which is supposed to knock me out. If I wake up, I am to take another one and pass out again. He wants me to sleep the weekend. Sleep is the best tranquilizer he says and if you sleep all weekend the anxiety should come down. And now that I don't have the pressure of school, I have some time to finally think about myself. And I might actually be feeling well enough to go to Ottawa. So if you can't get in touch with me in the next few days, I'm not around.
Night.

updated condition

2006-04-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

I've just decided that this will be the blog where logic sits. Just pure logic and fact--no poetry, no guessing, no venting, no musings, on wonderings. Just the facts of how I am, what I'm on, who and what is and isn't helping, etc.

Today: On steady doses of Adivan to keep me sane. It barely works I'm sorry to say.
My body has been in a crisis mode for 5 or 6 days now, I can't remember. And it isn't improving. New light has been shed this day on said condition:

Tests: Had ECG done early today and more bloodwork on thyroid functioning.

Possible prognosis: Hyperthyroid might be causing the rapid heart beat which in turn may be cuase the panic attacks and other related phenomenon.

My mental state is in continual flux. There is an insane amount of stress on my mind and body at the prospect of another disease or heart condition to deal with and just the physical discomfort and piling end of term work is enough to make anyone crack.

My physical discomforts have been ruling my life this week and anyone who sees me probably wouldn't recognize me because of my anxious traits and mannerisms--also in a state of flux.

I'm praying for some test results soon followed by a working treatment or just plain relief from these terrible terrible debilitating symptoms.

In durress and very sedated
-Doug

Oh jesus, it's still happening.

2006-04-05T23:27:00.000-07:00

Someone make it stop. I've tried. I can't. :(
This is not good. Not good one bit. Really bad time of year for a crisis.

feeling worse than low

2006-04-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

I had a really really bad day yesterday. Feeling low is one thing but this is worse than low. I'm not depressed but have... difficulties with something. It looks like I'm going to be down a little longer than I would have liked. It sucks. But I have a new problem and I'm going to try and get past this one. Simply becuase I need too. I know it is stress related. So it seems possible to get past it all, here's to hoping. By the way if anyone out there believes in GOD or something like it, pray for me. Cuz I'm in deep shit over here.

feeling low

2006-04-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

well, I'm going to try and get something done tomorrow about my case. I can't live like this. I'm surviving day to day, each day is terrifying and each night is never long enough. My body and mind are taxed, I can't dish out too much more. So many variables, so many problems. God help me, something help me. On average I seem to be getting worse, day by day, week by week. There is some strange progression at work here. I don't know. All I know is that I'm barely a shadow of my former self. I'm practally destroyed. I'm so far down the crap sack I don't know which way is up and even if I did, I could never get out of it completely again. :(
Feeling sad and hopeless.

Close to goodbye

2006-04-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

Something must be done. I'm close to loosing it. I don't think I can manage this anymore, any of it. I'm getting close to it. Really close. Dangerously close.

Health

2006-04-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm increasingly concerned by my health. The last few days are especially concerning.

Today after my walk I had a fit of tremors and my left hand and leg are slow to respond.
I have a general feeling of wierdness.
I'm out of breath alot.
Fatigued. Very tired.
Dizzy most of the time.
Experencing some panic like symptoms, w/ thoughts of inpending doom.
Some rapic heart beat stuff is happening.
Insomnia.
Ringing in my ears.
Sinus problems.
Weakness in my limbs.
Headache.

In short, I just feel like a crap sack.

Progress Hindered By Lifestyle

2006-03-31T13:38:00.000-08:00

Waiting for my medication to reach room temp. at 1:37am is not called taking care of yourself, folks. Alas, that is where I am. Too many late nights this last few weeks. I'm paying for it dearly. I hope I have enough left in me to make it to end of term with all my work done and my health in tact.

A change is coming. Just about every facet is going to be cleared and changed.

Details to come.

Recovery in Progress

2006-03-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

Inner peace. Training the mind to conquer itself. Cultivate a higher sense of awareness. Mindful and disciplined. This is where we are calm, at rest. Empty of distraction. Focused, we move through our day.

Affirmations

2006-03-13T17:29:00.000-08:00

1. I deserve to feel good.

2. I take care of myself.

3. I am a good person.

4. I am a healthy person.

5. I am a happy person.

6. When something goes wrong, I'll handle it.

7. I am capable.

8. I deserve to enjoy my time.

9. I feel safe and confident.

10. I can make a difference.

11. I am willing to take risks to grow and change.

12. I love myself.

what the hell is this???

2006-03-11T03:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's happening to me, but it's scary.

This morning I was getting uplooking forward to feeling better and I felt really weak. Almost passed out and threw up. I spent the rest of the day feeling like I was going to be paralysed pretty soon and sick to my stomach. I can hardly walk and I still feel sick.

No fever, not much of a cough. My body has been shaking. I think the stress finally got to my MS. Like I need anything else at this point. This is the worst I've felt all week. Just when i was getting better. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. I'm really anxious and I can't stop it. Something strange is happening. I don't want to go to the hospital again... I just can't.

What the hell is wrong with me??? Tell me this is just complication of my disease with the flu and my body needs an extra day or two to recover. When will this end? I can't feel my legs hardly. What the hell is it?

juz lucky I guess.

2006-03-09T00:21:00.000-08:00

Scary morning. I had a very high fever and I was vomiting. I dehydrated pretty bad and ended up layed out on the bathroom floor covered in water to cool me down. So into the reginal I go. I knew dr farrell was going to be trouble. He barely looked at me and sent me home with a perscription last night that nearly killed me this morning.

But wait, here's the best part. I meet Dr Currie at the hospital, young doctor. Doesn't like the look of my dehydratioin so orders a liter of fluid for me through I.V. and something to get rid of the nausia. Which is fine excpet that it the same stuff that doctor in Victoria gave and made me coo coo for 30 min. Which by the way I'm still suffering from. Hopefully it won't last much longer. I swore I'd never take that stuff again... had I know what it was I would have refused it. Terrible.

Here is the best part. Tom, the nurse, couldn't get a vein to work to save his life. 3 really painfull holes in my arm later he finally got it. Collapsed veins are trademark of dehydration. This all makes me lucky I guess. :S:S:S:S:S:S:S:S

Make it stop.

I could be wrong

2006-03-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

Fever is back. Yay. Hospital trip for me. :S

getting... better?

2006-03-08T18:49:00.000-08:00

Fever is gone, I have a new problem. The worst headaches ever. Like migranes even. My nose won't drain so there is a lot of pressure up there. Tomorrow if I'm not better I'm going to the hospital, I have too much work to do to be sick still. I don't know if I can recover from where I'm at now actually. Anywho, some anitbiotics might clear this up. I try not to take them ever because I'm allergic to most of them and I want them to work for me when I need them. My head is too sore to type anymore.

Very Sick

2006-03-07T22:40:00.001-08:00

Today was an aweful experience. I had a high fever today, for most of it. Just broke about an hour ago. It was as high as 39.5. I was really burning up. And that made all my MS symptoms worse. I went completely blind in my left eye from the heat, every hair on my skin, everywhere, including the whiskers on my face hurt like hell, and my muscles are stiff and sore all over. I'm getting a lot of pains in random places. To top it all off I'm really weak and dizzy and I have a really bad sinus infection. And a ton of school work to get done that I couldn't do today. Waiting for relief.

Very Sick

2006-03-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

Top five worst illnesses

2006-03-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

I had a really bad flu when I was younger, that was no 1 by a long mile. Chicken pox was my no 2. MS related pains and fevers have nothing on this, that's why it's no 4. This is aweful. I don't think I fully explained to Shauna what this is doing to me. So much pain. I'm about ready to give up on everything until I'm healthy, I can't work like this... my figner tips hurt for christ sake. And as predicted my fever (102-3) has worsened my MS symptoms. SO now I can't see at all from my left eye and walking is certainly difficult. I'm shaking uncontrolably and each shake hurts like hell. Purgatory. This is where I am.

What's going around.

2006-03-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

I just woke up and I knew from last night that I would be sick, and I am. I seem to have caught what has been going around. I thought I had managed to avoid the bug this year. So far it's just groggyness and a cough, my lungs are really congested. My voice is going but I still think I can get through rehearsal today, hell I can't afford to miss it again, James will kill me. Anyway, that the scoup. I'm sick, thanks Greg! haha. I buy him lunch and he gives me the flu.

411

2006-02-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

Headache, like migrane for the past 2 weeks or more...
Sinus trouble for the same length of time.
Really bad dizzy spells today. To the point where walking was difficult.
Fatigue.
This still feels like a really bad dream that I'm dying to wake up from.
Physical health is really poor. I just got in from a short walk, not even a fraction of my old jogging route, it was a struggle the whole way.
I don't want to comment because it would be too lengthy and full of useless emotional garbage due to frustration and cronic mental suffering caused by continued physical ailments. Just laying down the symptoms for reference later.
Taking larger amounts of painkillers and sleepaids (lorazapram) to help and achieve the normal effect. Not going so well. I remember when taking rebif didn't hurt me so much. I long for those days. Even the prednisone wasn't so bad compared to this. Where is the quality of life I was promised???
Is this possible side effects from drugs? Unsure at this time...

I feel like Job, I asked god to end it or take me, he's not listening. haha... that was a stupid reference. Nevermind.

The Inward Journey Begins

2006-02-24T01:43:00.000-08:00

So here's the issue:

2 years ago, I was up early every morning, running 3-5 miles before breakfast. I was training for marathon runs. A year after, I was training in the Dojo. I wanted to do some fighting. In university I was in the top of all my classes, somewhere between 1st and 5th, always in the top 5. My life goals, my persuits, my hobbies, indeed my life in general followed one steadfast principle: Push the limits, raise the bar, work hard or amount to nothing. Be more than average, fight for a top spot.

First let's follow that logic through. If I got there what next? 1st place or nothing else... If I got there where form there? You can't maintain that forever. Ok. Logic busted.

Second. Look at the hand that was delt me. Now I get up every morning, the first thing I do is check to see how much better I've gotten. How much is the disease going to slow me down for today. You see my old life-style logic of pushing the limits is now dangerous to me. I have to set more reasonable goals and not push the limits. And those goals have to change from day to day. And when I don't accomplish my list of things to do, I can't beat myself over the head with it. That's the big hurdle. I want my mind to allow for these lapses in ability, in accomplishment. I was hard on myself before even for someone with out a disease that responds to stress. Now I'm really fucked. This disease doens't get better, it only gets worse, in the slow progressional sense. All I can do is delay it for a while and I'm not so good at that either.

Twice now I've seen what happens when I push the limits. The problem is this: I don't know where those limits are. I don't know how much I can do reasonably and survive.

I was an athlete, I was an academic, I was I was I was... I can't drive the thought out of my head that everything is changed. I'm still all of those things but now I'm also an MS patient. That changes everything. I could still fight, but only when I am able. I can still work, but only when I am able. And I can never train my body or my mind like I used to. Time to take a back seat. The prime of my physical life has passed dramatically and that is really getting me down. Most people do that gracefully, mine fell with a crash... loss of eye sight, loss of balance, loss of vision, loss of muscle... finally... loss of fitness.

I used to run 5 miles before school. Now, I'm winded running up the stairs. I used to do the splits, now I can't bend over 90 degrees with my toes pointed. I'm putting on too much weight, non of my clothes fit. I have no energy to sustain even a boring day. What am I?

I need to set a reasonable goal of who I am. That starts with a vision. The problem is, the vision I have of myself, the future me, the past me, the me I want to be, they are all the same person. Opposed by the me I am now. And what's worse is I know the me now can't sustain himself. Not for long at least. Everything is slippery and I'm losing my gripo on a lot of it.

I'm at a major life crisis and everything has to change. Now! I refuse to go any farther down that road I'm on. But the problem is, when I get a pain in my back like I have right now, do I ly down or go for a walk? You see, I don't know how to deal with this disease yet. It's going to take a lot longer than I thought. What a brave face I put on. A really brave face. Folks, I'm terrified, I'm hurt, I'm lonely, I'm gone. I'm not here half the time becuase it's too scary being here. What this disease does to ME on a daily basis is almost too much to handle. I wish I was some other MS patient. You know, the one that does everything like it doesn't bother them. They have mild symptoms and full recoveries. But... that isn't me.

I'm going to get through Lughnasa then re-evaluate what my mission is. It's obvoius this task will be relentless but it has to be done. What's left is only death. And I'm not laying down stakes like that for anybody. So now, I think it's time for a nap. I'll continue this another time.
Cheers.

Relapse

2006-02-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

Well didn't take long for my train of health to fall off the track. I did it. It's my fault.

And now I will disappear until I'm healthy again and I can actually write again. Goodbye for now. And good luck to me for getting healthy.

:S Here goes nothing...

My personal advice..

2006-02-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

if you want to stay healthy, don't get a disease that involves tons of waiting. Becuase nothing in your real life will ever get done.

That's basically the story today. Why don't you suffer for a few more days and then we'll see what we can do? oh really? Really asshole?

This is really frustrating. They said it was a treatable disease. They said it I could live a normal life with it. I've been fucking lied to.

It has been become increasingly clear that medical doctors, with emphasis on specialists, are overpaid, stuff-shirted, nobody's. Why? Because it is also strikingly clear that they don't know what to do with me. They ignore my phonecalls, ignore my plea's for help when I do see them, telling me to wait until monday, wait until friday... If I have one more doctor tell me to wait ...

This disease, me, is not being managed. I'm beign shuffled around. And no one knows what to do for me. Meanwhile, I have no idea how I'm going to finish school, or go on stage like this...

*curling up in a ball and crying desperatly and hopelessly without help today*

I'm starting to resent healthy people. They have it easy. It's not fair. I want a normal shot at life.

Is this good or bad?

2006-02-07T16:38:00.000-08:00

It all started last Friday before I went out to visit some friends. I began to feel a little dizzy. I hadn't slept so well in a long time so it was just fatigue, right? It'll be better after I shake it off in the morning. Still dizzy. But not that kind of spinny dizzy that you think of as dizzy. Imagine that you are in an elevator as it begins to go down. That feeling of falling through the floor. Now Imagine that while lying down, sitting in your favorite chair, driving the car, walking to class... all common everyday occurences for me since Friday. Nothing getting better, but at least not getting worse.

Last time this happened it was almost unbarable. I was in bed for two weeks. And no one would believe me that there was something wrong. I was on every imaginable anti-biotics you can think of. Friends and loved ones didn't seem to help much. Just take your pills and stop complaining. I've went back over their posts and messages and what I wrote in my journals. I was alone. No wonder I've never felt complete.

After my diagnosis I imagine a few of these said people began to feel bad about how they handled it and were nice to me for a little while. I guess all you can really expect is that parents are the only ones to carry you through. Everyone else just says they are sorry, don't worry things will get better, it won't always be like this. But even the action of well intention parents feels like mindless dribble that people spew when you talk to someone who really does understand. Not just false empathy, but really knows what you are going through. Doctors look dumb and useless in their presance.

I don't know if this is making sense or spelled right, but you'll have to forgive that, I'm currently experiencing a relapse in my disease and working is difficult, so typing is not a major priority next to my health right now.

Anyway, the point of my story, what I can't figure out what is good or bad, is my state of mind today. For example, today is the first day since my diagnosis that I feel like I have a disease. Why? Becuase I'm taking advantage of services provided for the disabled. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm taking the easy way out. And it kills me. I don't know where this nagging feeling like I have to do everything myself, in my own way comes from, but letting anyone else into my world in the form of help is threatening to me. As I told mom today, under Bushido code, my life is now forfiet and the honorable thing to do in Samauri terms is to end my life. Good thing I'm Canadian, hey?

Here's what is going on with Mel Clark:
He's getting me a lap top with a really neat program. I gave him text books that I have to read and they are now cutting them up, scanning them, and the computer will read them to me! They only shitty thing is my books are going to be ruined. :( Those who know me know that is a terrible thing to do to a book. I'm getting them back with no binding. Poop. :(
He's also going to take care of my loans issues. Thanks be to Yeats. haha
And he is recomending that I do my exams through the disability office which will give me certain benifits when it comes to exam time.

Now all this might be good for me. But I can't help feeling like that's it. That's the end of my normal life. I know it's only for a short time. But I am very accostomed to doing this stuff on my own, like reading books for example. The simplest thing, done for me. I feel like... like... like an MS patient. And up until now, I know it was possible that I'd have to go through somthing like this, but it is much much harder than I anticipated. Than anyone would expect. I don't know how to go through this.

The worst of it this: I can handle anything this disease can dish out: blindness, paralysis, depression, fatigue... whatever... I just can't take dizzy spells, it's the most debilitating thing you can imagine. And it makes me insane. With the other disablilites, I can still do things... with this... I can do next to nothing except sleep, and that isn't so good either I might add. This is a very tough time for me. Not to mention that I look fine and normal on the surface which is really confusing when you are trying to tell people you are sick. It's hard to describe, it really is.

This is my nightmare. This is my life. And as low as that sounds, I can start living with it. I went back to school way too soon after diagnosis. And NOW, and only now, am I discovering what it means to have MS. They say it's livable. It is. But I don't know what kind of life that is yet. I know this: it's not what I was before. No where near it.

Plunged into a nightmare and I can't wake up.

A day of lasts

2006-01-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

Today is a day of lasts.

Today is the last time I have seen Jean. She's moved on to a better job and I'm going to spend a while awaiting her replacement to catch up and call me for an appointment. She was great. She helped me through a lot of difficult issues.

Today is my last dose of Celexa. It should take at least 2 weeks for it to completely leave my system. I've been feeling more in control since I cut down on it. So good for me. Yay.

And that's the last of my lasts. :)

Feeling good today. yay!

The horribleness of being me.

2006-01-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

Aweful is how I describe my health. I am currently under constant duress from a nagging sinus condition which is inflamed again and I'm suffering from extreme headaches. Interfuron damage seems eminant as well, keep your fingers crossed there. I've been skipping alot of blood work sessions just because of not feeling good. I require copious amounts of sleep lately and I had a few lapses into depression this week (my appologies have already been made to the present parties during said replapses).

A growing number of concerns is keeping me from living to the fullest. I can only hope some alliviation of these horrible symptoms will occur presently, if not, soon please.

I had to begin using new needle sights as the wear and tear on my body from the needles is starting to show. Also of concern is that I have put on some unwanted weight in disturbing areas (well disturbing to me at least) and I am currently processing to many other nodes of information to work on my health and fitness regime although I am still gyming it up and Judo class is still a priority. My muscles are in constant pain and I havne't been able to walk very well for a few days. Some bouts of dizzyness attacks have left me questioning my sanity a few days ago but everything seems in order now.

I guess that is the update for now. Trying to get some work done is like pulling teeth, I'm so lack-luster and unproductive it is actually quite sad. I have to dig deep if I'm going to survive this term. Anyone want a 5 day old sinus headache/migrane?

Oops!

2006-01-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

Quick incident report...

I was giving my injection tonight, site 6 (Left hip/buttock area), and something went wrong. It must have been the angle or the way I was sitting. I didn't even notice at first. I wasn't quite sure what had happended. It felt kind of funny going in and I pulled it out halfway by accident and had to jab it back in and switch hands while holding it so that I didn't miss any of the dose. After I pulled it out I noticted the needle as sevearley bent. I thought nothing of it until later when I looked at the cotton which was stuck to my skin via blood, too much blood, way too much blood. On closer inspection, I noticed that I had torn a horizontal opening in my skin with the needle. I have pressure on it and hopefully the bleeding will stop soon.

Go ahead, ask me if it hurts! lol

It's not that bad, actually. I figure the shower tomorrow is going to be nasty when the water gets on it but until then I'll be fine. lol

Another oops on the wall of mistakes. Lots of those there from last year. :) First one for this year though! This is my first big needle blunder. hahaha... More care is needed, I was getting lax in my method. No more of that! Now I know what happenes when your concentration slips. I will have to avoid that site for a few weeks which sucks becuase my skin is very irritated lately and this can only get worse with a site missing.

Peace.

Big Meeting

2006-01-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

Had a meeting with Dr. Cristians today. It was like the longest wait, but whatever. We have a new plan of action for getting me healthy in spirit. I'm going to come off the Celexa and he gave me a prescription for a use as you need it drug to help me sleep at night (the trick being to find the smallest dose that will put me to sleep without giving me hangover effects.

He was really concerned about interferon reactions and interactions so this is really the best course of action. Plus my seritonin levels might return to normal--I've been uncharactically manic the last few weeks (sorry Jehy, and Shauna, and Ashley and whoever else that scared).

I'm going to keep a private mood journal to see where it is I stand with my over all mental health. The idea is to have as many good days out of 7 in a week as possible and improve the quality of life of this MS patient. A new year, a new treatment that may work towards peace in my soul, finally (which I had considered impossible all my life).

The bottom line is that I'm glad to be coming off those horrid medications that were doing not so good things to me. It's bad enough dealing with interferons. :)

Go me!

Monday Monday

2006-01-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

It's injection night and I already have a seething headache. This is going to be fun.

Good note: I got back into the gym today. Did back and tri's. My favorite workout. Felt amazing. Glad to be back in the gym. Wonderful. :)

It's a classic Monday, what can I say.

Stupid head.

Fitness Check

2006-01-03T22:06:00.000-08:00

Crazy like bananas is what I'd call my fitness plans for the new year. I have perfect time slots to work the gym at school this year and I'm going to make a concerted effort to attend Judo religiously until I feel like myself again on the mat. I took a really hard fall tonight, got up, shook it off and remembered how much I missed that feeling.

The after-Judo-buzz is the greatest feeling ever. All your core muscles are throbbing and your blood is pumping through your body and into your brain: there is no pain. My left hand always gets a little stiff afterwards but it's managable. I think it's more from gripping than from MS. After a Judo workout I feel centered in alot of ways. Physically I feel more stable than before I began, a plus indeed. I always feel stronger too as my back is swelling and my arms are ripping, my legs become pillars of might rooted in the earth yet as flexable and unpredictable as water. My mind, however, benifits the most. I feel alive yet relaxed. I begin to probe things mentally, and take every obsticle as a challange, testing it for weakness, cautiously assulting it's defences until I find my path to victory. This helps with schoolwork alot of times.

Judo gives me a life perspective. At its core is a philosophy for life; its princiapls are easy to apply once understood and promote positive well being for everything. Which lends credibility to my religious convictions as well. Everything is so connected and nothing I do is without purpose, no matter how incomprehensible it seems to others. There is reason behind much of what I do, but that reason stems from self training and relative life patterns. The better my mind, therefor, the better my body. I am as much the cloud in the sky as I am the ink in a word or the edge on a sword. But right and wrong are merely points of view, and totally incomprehensible. And so I leave this post with peace of mind and health on the forground.

Strengh and honor!

Side Effects

2005-12-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

For the last few months now I've been getting these red blotches at my injection sites. Only within the last week they've started to become really itchy. Espically the two sites on my back side, are really bad. I think becuase it's irritated by the waist line of my clothing, the sites are just below that. It's not unbarable yet but it is a tad bit annoying.

I had a good week, very active and my energy level is very high. Even though my sleep patterns aren't so good I am feeling almost rested. I've been watching my diet too. I don't want to gain too much weight over the holidays. I don't think it will be a problem but I'm keeping an eye on it just the same.

So that's about it for now. Nothing really new. Maybe I'll do some MS research over the holidays and post something informative and not just mindless dribble about myself.

Cheers.

Awesome

2005-12-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

I feel great. The best I've felt since before diagnosis. Everything seems to be on the mend and even though MS can plague you like a nasty ex-girlfriend I remain optimistic about it all. My spirit is high and my vitality is what I would describe as well. Now if I can get back into fighting shape Judo will be fun again and I can resume competition. I really feel like beating the crap out of something this week (but in a nice way). :D

I'm flowing wonderfully with my work, my head space is awesome (I had an opportunity to vent a years worth of pent up negative energy--I practically exploded, felt good even though I might have lost some friends in the process, but what of that, I make them easy enough and they weren't very close anyway), I'm strong in mind and spirit, my will is back to regular self-esteem levels (ie. I'm actually worth a damn again and I can make a difference out there), and now I'm ready to follow up with some much needed, strenous physical activity. First, the judo mat, then the track, then the gym (ahhhh my long lost muscle definition and strengh--you left me for a woman, you sick bas%$&d!) hahaha.

Anyway, to appease the boring nights I've taken to long walks in the wonderfully chilly air at a brisk pace and dancing for joy spontaniously while singing at the top of my lungs in happy shivers. I'm determined to never let this feeling leave, I'm hanging on to it, it's mine, it's mine and I'll have it, it is mine. (holy Pinteresque batman, hahaha)

Toodles.

update

2005-12-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Meds:
1. Rebif injection 3 times a week
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot and as needed)
3. Citalopram 10mg
4. Adovan (When needed only)
5. Flu Shot

Current Symptoms
Physical: Pain, stiffness, tired legs
Sensory: Optic neuritis (left eye), blurred vision
Psychological (memory/mood): Slight depression
Medication side effect?: flu-like symptoms (Fever, chills, headache, muscle pains/cramping)

I received my flu shot today. My arm is a little sore and I feel pretty sick. I think I'll be ok though. I seen my family doctor about MS pain an he prescribed a muscle relaxant for me that should help with the pain. I don't know if I want to take it. It seems pretty heavy duty and I don't really think I'm in that much pain. I can tough it out. The drug he prescribed is Norflex 100mg for 5 days. I'm a little weary of it. I don't like drugs. Especially these type...

If my pain gets bad again I will try it. But I noticed it only gets that bad when I'm super stressed. I've been a little down lately but not too stressed. I think it's just life getting at me. There is a lot going on now that I'd rather not have to face. But c'est la vie.

A lot of my pain today is probably from not on ly the flu shot but I didn't sleep so well last night. I woke up at 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep. Always fun that is. I will sleep tonight but my school work is suffering, badly. :(

New Symptom

2005-11-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

I didn't know what MS pain was until this weekend. Oh my gods, it smarts.

I was up most of the night in constant pain. I think I'm going to the hospital today to see if I can get something for it. I'm not sure what is common treatment for this symptom yet although I know smoking grass is common--I won't be doing that.

I've never had pain in my legs like that before, it was a constant and cramping-like pain and even got into the joints a bit. That, on top of a sore lower back made for a terrible sleep last night. Tylonol was my friend but he helped only little.

I have two more shows left to do with Merchant and then I can deal with this more seriously.
Cheers for now.

Major Reaction

2005-11-24T19:16:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but for some reason I think I took a bad reaction to the rebif today. I've had a fever all day, been completely tired, had a crazy headache and my skin is very sensitive to touch--it hurts. This sucks... right in the middle of the play run, just what I needed.

I managed to keep it a secret from most of the cast, only Don and Jehy knew about it. I put on a good show despite that but I'm paying for it wicked bad now. Oh... I just want it to stop. :S grrrrr

If it gets any worse, I might have to go to the hospital. This is all not good. Oh well, the show must go on... only three more left. I can do it. I hope I don't fall apart afterwords. :S yeesh... I'm going to miss hanging out with this cast and crew though ... they are great!!!

Cheers.

Doin' the needle thing.

2005-11-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

Today is a milestone--or, well sort of.

Today is the last needle from my first batch of needles (no worries, I did get more). I went through the three month supply. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow (as Gerry says), where does the time go!? Of course, time being relative... err... I won't get into that. It makes my head hurt.

So let's see... 36 injections go by rather fast. I figured it would be more, but I guess not... well... I don't even know what to say. I guess I'm through the worst of it. A lot changes in 3 months... a lot good, a little bad; but all changed.

I've been having a lot of ups and downs with this disease. A lot of external factors are making it difficult as well. I haven't really been keeping a good record of my symptoms, but my energy level has a lot to do with that. Have to put the energy where it is needed.

I'm really looking forward to sleeping tonight, not so much to waking up however. haha.
That may change soon. A little while back I used to be excited to wake up and start a new day. I still do but there are some things preventing that now, that will be overcome, mark me on that! Who knew life would turn out to be so much work! Gah... I should be astounded at what I have accomplished already, yet my thoughts are for only what needs to be done.

I hope that will change.

I hope.

Get your cakes, get 'em here...

2005-11-14T01:53:00.000-08:00

So I'm ready to deliver the cakes and cookies and turffles. If you havn't paid me yet I can't deliver them, sorry. I'll be calling eveyone I can't get to on a regular basis anyway. But as soon as I get the money you cake or whatever will be right behind the payment. I have to do it this way because as many people know, sometimes people mean well but don't honour their commitment. Shame as it is, I have to be guarded about it.

That out of the way!
THE CAKE IS HERE!

I'll be getting around to eveyone to drop off you order, expect a call this week!

Thanks alot everyone. I've raised over $1600 for the cause. And I have many more ventures to come! I think the worst thing this disease ever did was afflict me! Mowah-ha-ha-ha!

Cheers!

Final tally

2005-11-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well, the cake sale has ended and I have some good news. I was able to raise $1504.00 dollars for MS research. Thanks to everyone who helped and everyone who bought stuff. I'm really pleased beyond pleased. I didn't think it would do that well.

I went up for blood work this morning, I was overdue for it by like 2 weeks I think. Now I know why I hate it. I waited about 45 minutes before I even got checked in. I was there about and hour and a half for a 15 second sit down while they extracted but a vile of blood from my body. The plus was the nurse was really good, best I've seen there ever. But the wait... sheesh... I hate that I have to do that every month, it feels like a waste of time.

It was so crowed and I hate being in crowds. I spent all the time meditating, going over my lines, exercising my hands and feet, and doing my breathing exercises. I should have brought a book to read, god knows I have a tons to read this year. But... it's done for this month.

Now on to my day.
Cheers.

Day 1 Cake Sale

2005-10-31T19:14:00.000-08:00

I am so exhausted. But my hard work has paid off. With the help of a few friends, I was able to raise $614 today for MS research. With four more days to go, I can't help wondering how much more I'm going to raise. We'll see what the rest of the week has to offer.

Now, if I can find time to do homework this week before I go away on the weekend. :S sheesh... I'm so tired right now and can hardly stay on here long enough to finish this post.

Thanks everyone. Keep up the spirits and the positive attitude. Let's keep trucking!!!!

Feeling new

2005-10-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

Update: Vision and Cakes

2005-10-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Almost ready to start my fundraising next week, just putting a schedule together. I'm post some more in depth info about that later this week.

My vision is giving me a lot of problems so I'll keep this short. My eyes are really sore. It's been interfering with my school work and stuff. I hope to get a lot of sleep tonight and maybe stay home from class until I'm feeling better. I still feel a little bit dizzy too. My cold is hanging on, annoying thing that it is--it is not helping me any. I feel so out of shape and un-fit. I hope to feel better soon so I can start revisiting the gym and the dojo. Anyway, that is all.

To all the volunteers: make sure you send me your schedules ASAP! Thanks!! :)

Triumph

2005-10-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

I made it into judo class tonight. It was really hard. I am very, very, very, out of shape and it is really obvious. I hardly did anything and I was winded. And I mean WINDED, like sucking more air than my neighbors industrial vacuum cleaner that is louder than a jet engine. But I'm glad I went. The first hard throw I took on my back shook loose all the fluid in my lungs and I had a coughing fit. I actually enjoyed that. It's been a while. My balance and vision is really bad. That makes doing a sport where one is essential and the other very important very frustrating. I really need some coaching in patience.

Being active again is very important to me. But I'm such a perfectionist that if I'm not 100% I feel like I'm only trying and not actually doing. That's just the way I am and it's not going to change. So I don't really know if there is a solution to this. I'm not very good at giving my self a break or cutting me any slack. I demand that my body move and feel good, but it just isn't so and I'm very pissed off about that but there is nothing I can do except show up and do what I can. It is not as much as I want to give, not by a long shot, but it's all I can do until I am in good health and my doctor clears me to fight. A long road ahead... a long road. One step at a time.

Had a good time fighting Charlene though! Always great. Cheers.

*click* *clop* *click* *clop* *click* *clop* *click* *clop*

October 17th 2005

2005-10-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif injection 3 times a week (M W F)
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot and as needed)
3. Citalopram 10mg
4. Adovan (When needed only)

Current Symptoms
Physical: Dizzyness, fatigue, tired legs
Sensory: Optic neuritis (left eye), blurred vision
Psychological (memory/mood): slight short term memory loss
Medication side effect?: flu-like symptoms (Fever, chills, headache, muscle pains/cramping)

I didn't get a full night's sleep last night and I paid for it today. I stepped off the elevator in CC today with Dee and I almost fell down. Later, travelling through the library, I noticed I had trouble focusing on the ISBN numbers on the books. It was a strange feeling. It was the first time I had really noticed how bad my vision is. It's funny that it took this long for me to get into the library this year. I waited way to long to get started on this paper. I'm so slack this year. I guess I have an excuse though, really.

I've been so exhausted today. I can't remember what it is like to have energy. I miss judo but at the same time I question whether or not I could even fit that into my day as it is. I'm having doubts. :(

I started organizing a fundraiser at the university for MS research. It's going through Carl, in town here. I will be selling cakes in a tin and other goodies during the week of Oct. 31 to Nov. 4. I am currently looking for volunteers to the help me at the table. Of course, anyone else who wants to support can support you don't need to wait until I get to the college. As soon as I get the order forms I'll begin my campagin.

Rehearsal was interesting today. I'm off book way ahead of schedule. I didn't have the energy to go in tonight but I forced myself to go in. Jessi came with me. Need support. Once I got on the stage I was set. It's funny how that does that. But of course as soon as you get off, zonk! You realize you have been going on empty for far too long, even without MS it is like that. But I am always glad I went.

I bring that up because I assume judo would be much the same. Once I can get myself there and working out, I should be fine for energy. It's just the mental game now: will I feel guilty if I go and not spend time on my homework which I have been ignoring way too much? Hopefully I can find the energy this week to make up for my lack of self discipline these last few weeks. And hopefully I won't feel too guilty about going to judo, or not guilty at all would be nice.

Cheers.

Feeling better

2005-10-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and I was feeling better. I still have tons of phlegm which is not so enjoyable, but it's better than being sick. As soon as I'm better I'm going to get a flu shot. God knows, I don't need the flu on top of all this. Especially with so much theatre this year. Must keep myself healthy.

So on that note, I have seen my nutritionist. She gave me enough information to sift through. Wow. She dug through sports nutrition at my request and gave me her findings. I'm really hopeing to get into a healthier lifestyle. Not that I was really unhealthy before, just want to improve a little. Get a little stronger. Besides, I think my mind is falling apart without my physical health. Its been almost 6 months since I felt 100%. Getting a little frustrated with myself.

But the cold has just about run its course so I can maybe get back to the gym and judo which would do wonders for my mind.

Update

2005-10-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

I'm coming down with something. This is the downside to living with family. They bring their diseases into the house and there is no way to avoid them. Especially when an immune system disease. Time to get a flu shot methinks.

I'm worried about taking my medication because it gives me flu like symptoms which can only make my cold worse and vice versa--the cold can make my reaction worse as well I think. Should be an interesting experiment.

I'm up for being a test subject but now is not the best time. Midterms. I'm falling behind on my readings and I have to drop a course this week (but that's ok, I figured for it at the start of the year, I thought I'd be able to do it, it looked fun but now it's too much work).

Perhaps when this cold is through with me I'll be feeling good enough to start exercising again and make a return to my much loved and not forgotten judo classes. I feel like I really need to get on the mat again. This year is so not fair to me in that respect. I was just getting good at something. I will again... Just need time.

Rebif Side Effects

2005-10-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif injection 3 times a week (M W F)
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot and as needed)
3. Citalopram 10mg
4. Adovan (When needed)

Current Symptoms
Physical: not too much beyond fatigue
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): not too bad
Medication side effect?: flu-like stuff.

I woke up this morning and I couldn't move. Actually the first time I woke up was at about 3:30 am. When my alarm went off it was a struggle to get to it. I couldn't move. I was kind of scared. I was so sore and in a lot of pain and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. As soon as I got to the alarm and turned it off I feel asleep again. I wasn't able to get up until about noon, after I had missed my morning class and my UP class that I was supposed to teach. I hope my students just figured I wasn't coming after about 10 minutes, cuz I couldn't even get to a phone to call someone to tell them. That made me think I should get a longer pone cord and get it into my room next to my bed in case I need help like that again.

I'm almost feeling better now. That was a wicked reaction today. I'm wondering when my body will adjust to this stuff. Sooner than later would be good.

Dr. Dorar signed my forms today for disability (where it concerns my student loans). Hopefully that will go through, and they will get back to me with grant money very soon.

Dr. Cristian wants to try a different drug, a more pure form of Celexa. He thinks it may help me more as it is more powerful yet has less side effects. This is due to when I tried to raise my dose of Celexa and I didn't react to well to it so I went back to my regular dose. He said we can try this at my convience so as to not disrupt my work or anything (as quality of life is the most important thing and I'm more or less at a stable point in my life for now). He said exercise would help too but I haven't been able to get to Judo because of the side effects of Rebif and I don't have much time at school to work in the gym yet. I want to feel a little stronger before I start something like that. Perhaps next week. *Crosses fingers*

So far, that is the story of my day, in bed for most of it, being sick and shivering all morning (I still have a slight fever, I think), feeling gravity pull me into my bed. The trick now is to try and get some reading done without falling asleep.

Cheers. :)

MS Cakes

2005-10-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

New news!

I will be doing some fundrasing soon, selling cakes to support MS research. More info will be posted when I have it.

Finally, an end worthy of my persuits.

I have a really great story (well, a rather sad story) to write later as well.

More when I have time and info.

Cheers

Team Expansion / Bad Fatigue

2005-09-30T02:49:00.000-07:00

Well, the good news first. My support team has grown to include a nutritionist. Her name is Marilyn Fuller. I have my first appointment on Oct. 12. She's going to help me get the food stuff right. As there is no diet for MS, she's going to help me find a diet that will get me back some energy in my days and help with sports training. That sounds great to me. I know it isn't a cure, or a be all end all, but every little thing you do helps in the end.

I'm still very very tired and fatigued. I'm having trouble staying awake in class this week or during a conversation with someone. I feel like the walking dead. I shuffle around and I'm moving but I'm so not there. I was looking forward to a hike on the weekend but I don't know if that's going to happen or not. I love hiking, its so freeing. It'd be good to get one more in before the snow comes. I'll do what I can to make it, but I just don't know at this point.

There is so much that is weighing on me. Life is getting difficult. All I want to do is sleep. But really, all I want to do is stop feeling dizzy, like I'm falling over. I walked into like 5 walls today. I hope nobody noticed. :S I had a few moments in the morning this week where I just felt like crying. But I refuse to cry alone or in front of crowds, so its all good. This dizzy feeling is making my regular life difficult. I want it to pass. Like even today, it was hard to get around. Though it was better than yesterday.

Sometimes I think people forget that things are difficult for me. That is by far hardly the rule, but the odd person does. When they realize, they often tell me not to over work myself. I wish I felt as good as I did at the start of the semister. Oh, I was ready to go. All full of energy.

Despite what I have been writing, I am staying positive. I don't want anyone to worry. :) It's just a temporary setback, until I get used to the meds and what ever else is happening passes. So everything will be ok. Regardless what happens next or on top of what is right now. So no worries. Cheers.

:)

Here's what's happening

2005-09-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today is what I would call a "bad day" or "one of those days." It actually started last night around 11:00pm. I became extreamly tired and began feeling like I was nodding off. I put down what I was reading and tried to watch a little TV before bed. I kept getting the sensation like I was falling through my bed. I kept trying to self talk myself out of panic mode. I thought maybe it was the medication increase that was doing this. Anway, I kept at it until I finally just got out of bed at 1:00 am. I kept trying to tell myself I wasn't going to die, don't be foolish. But I rarely listen to myself.

I have no idea what spurned all this but I'll tell ya, today isn't much better. So here's the skinny:

I feel very weak in the muscles, especially legs and left arm. My eyesight is giving me trouble and I feel a little dizzy. And of course I am very tired.

Possiblities: 1. medication side effect
2. Relapse - having a MS attack
3. Losing my mind

While 3 dosen't seem like much of a possibility, 2 certainly is and I'm hoping it's only 1.

I missed school today because of this. I wonder if stress brings this on. I'm totally worried about my student loans. The papers havn't come yet in the mail and I need to get on this right away before too long. Money so stresses me out.

The course load isn't so bad, I mean I'm handling it ok.

I know I'm not getting enough exercise but I was going to start a remedy for that today until all this happened.

I went up for bloodwork and to reschedule my missed appointment with Jean, but both the lab and her office were closed. Perfect. They knew I was coming.

What I'm doing about it all:
Well, I'm going to continue to do as much work as I can in the mean time. I'm going to make an appointment to see Dr. Leckey ASAP. I'm going to take it easy and try not to panic. I felt so good on sunday (well not physically but I was pretty up in spirit) it's hard to place how I am now--this is all so sudden. But I guess that's the way MS works.

I can sit here and type all day how this is effecting me but what I really need is to get past it all so I can get back to "life" out there in the real world. Interesting... when did my disease become a part of an imaginary life. I think I need to work on that. Hasn't this thing been brought into my mainstream life yet? How long will that take? Sometimes I feel it slipping out, other times it is a part of who I am and I am comfortable with it all. Today, not so much.

Full Dose

2005-09-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

Finally up to full dose. Had a bit of a night last night, with some headaches, mild fever I think and some definite unpleasentness, like muscle pains. Getting close to my first set of post Rebif blood tests to check my liver, to see if you body is handling the treatment.

The Optic Nuritus is still a problem and the blurry vision is most annoying but I'm still handling it. Still doing Judo, school, plays, teaching, etc... I wish my eye sight was a little better though, to speed up my reading at least. I have a lot of readings to catch up on.

I have some small injection site irritation on my stomach area. Just some redness around the entry site; nothing too serious I don't think.

Injecting into my legs has become a strange sensation, I think because I'm getting a bit of the muscle. There isn't much extra skin on my legs so I might try adjusting the needle depth just to see. Maybe I will call my Multiple Support nurse and see what advice she has for me.

I heard today about a new drug out that is supposed to help combat fatigue in MS patients. Any chance I can get some of that over here? Energy would be a welcomed visitor.

Thanks for the weekend support, Jess. Liked having you around as always! But stop falling asleep so early, I'm the one with energy issues, remember??? ;);)

Update

2005-09-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif (50%) X 3 per week
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot)
3. Citalopram 15mg

Current Symptoms
Physical: fatigue
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): difficulty concentrating
Medication side effect?: headache.

I had a pretty bad headache today. I speculate it is from my injection last night. I've been so tired lately too. I need to get more physically active I think. It will be really hard at first but I think in the long run it will be better for me. I have energy when I need it but I'd rather have it all the time rather than just when I force it out.

This Friday is my first injection with 100% of the solution. I feel a little nervious about that.

I missed my appointment with Jean on Monday. :S I was so caught up in school that I forgot to plan for my doctors appointments in my book. I'll remedy that soon and reschedule the appointment. I felt aweful about forgetting that.

I've also increased my Citalopram dose as well. Moving it up to 20mg. That will make me drowsy for a while, so no help there for the energy. I have to pace myself and start taking afternoon naps so I can get work done in the evening. I'm glad I'm not working more than I am, with my course load and the play in progress, I have only enough time for what I am doing.

Thanks everyone for the positive responses. I appreicate reading them. :) Continue.

Activity and Clinical Pharmacology of Rebif

2005-09-14T23:31:00.000-07:00

To my science friends: more than you wanted to know about Rebif.

Rebif (Interferon beta-1a) is a purified , sterile glycoprotein product produced by recombinant DNA techniques and formulated for use by injection. The active ingredient of Rebif is produced by genetically engineered Chinese Hamster Ovary (CHO) cells. Interferon beta-1a is a highly purified glycoprotien that has 166 amino acids and an approximate molecular weight of 22,500 daltons. It contains a single N-linked carbohydrate moiety attached to Asn-80 similar to that of natural human Interferon beta.

The specific activity of Rebif is approximately 0.27 million international units (MIU)/μg interferon beta-1a. The unit measurement is derived by comparing the antiviral activity of the product to a in-house natural hIFN-B NIH standard that is obtained from human fibroblasts (BILS 11), which has been calibrated against the NIH natural hIFN-B standard (GB 23-902-531).

Interferons are a family of naturally occurring proteins, which have molecular weights ranging from 15, 000 to 21,000 daltons. Three major classes of interferons have been identified: alpha, beta, gamma. Interferon beta, interferon alpha and interferon gamma have overlapping yet distinct biologic activities.

2005-09-13T17:36:00.001-07:00

Disposal of needle. Thus ends the photo journal of self injection.

2005-09-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Doing the deed...

2005-09-13T17:35:00.001-07:00

Loading the needle into the auto-injector.

2005-09-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Injection equipment, ready for the use. (Needle, alcohol swab, needle clip, auto injector, disposal unit)

up to 50%

2005-09-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif (50%) X 3 per week
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot)
3. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: very mild tremors, fatigue, stiff legs
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): difficulty concentrating
Medication side effect?: Fever/chills, aches and pains, nausea.

Just a note. 50% sucked last night. I don't like being sick. But at least one person was able to restore my "faith" in humanity this morning. A lot of bad things happened last night and they've left me feeling rather exposed and unsure about much. So many uncertainties. And I'm running on very little sleep.

Citalopram failing... what the hell is going on in my head???

Uh oh... someone needs a hug. ;)

Anyway, there's no amount of chocolate in the world...

Tired

2005-09-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif (20%) X 3 per week
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot)
3. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: very mild tremors, fatigue
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): difficulty concentrating
Medication side effect?: slight injection sight reaction.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. That was the bottom line at Dr. Christians today. I guess a lot of things are finally catching up with me.

He increased my dose of Celexa. Actually, I made a mistake telling him I was on 20 mg when I should have said 10mg. So I have to get that sorted out before I go pick up the new perscription. Which is fine by me because I'm about to increase my Rebif dose to 50% and no one's quite sure of the drug interaction yet. I like being a test subject. Not!

Anyway, I really hope this Celexa increase will work for me once I get the right dosages adjusted. Just feeling blah, and not very positive. I feel kind of lonely and useless today. I guess everyone has those days. But for me, this day just keeps going, right throught the week.

Where are the horns that were blowing?

Thanks

2005-09-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif (1 injection 3 times a week)
2. Tylonol (With Rebif shot)
3. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: very mild tremors in left hand (usually worsens with physical exertion)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: slight injection sight reaction.

A big thank you to my friends, colleagues and prof's at the University. It was good to see you all again. Looking forward to another year!!

Several injections later, I've learning something about my injection sites. I was talking to Lynn, my support nurse, today and told her it was difficult to inject into the triceps area. She told me that most men have trouble with this becuase of muscle mass and that if I couldn't do it to use my "love handles" if I had them. haha. Yeah, I have them...

SO that should make it a little eaiser.

The injections are going well, I've hardly had any difficulty with the Rebif. Only that one time I had some nasty aches and pains. When my dose increases it may affect me a little more. I should be able to handle it given how I've done thus far. I'm currently taking only 20% of the injection and will be starting 50% on friday. Hopefully my body will be ready for it and it will go smoothly.

By the way, I'd hate to do this without ice... ouch! Get's a little painful at times. But it is not killing me. For anyone who has never selfinjected before: in the beginning it is totally a mental challenge to stick hollow steel into your skin and inject fluid. It only hurts for a second so it gets kinda fun (but I'm a bit of a nut that way). Thank you judo for making pain a funny thing!!

First Injection

2005-08-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Rebif (1 injection 3 times a week)
2. Tylonol
3. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: slight tremors in left leg and hand (usually worsens with physical exertion)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: muscle aches and pains, slight headache, slight injection sight reaction.

Well, I survived my first injection. I think I can handle this. I was a bit nervous at first but it was nothing after the first one I think. I didn't mind it that much. The side effects are a bit annoying but nothing serious. My muscles are really sore, especially my abs. But everything hurts right down to my fingers.

I also have a slight headache, but nothing a Tylonol can't fix. I'm going to take one just before sleep in a few minutes. That'll help a lot.

I had a slight bit of pain around the injection site for an hour or so after the injection, nothing major. Looks like I'm taking to it alright.

I have to mention, I had really great support from my family and my girlfriend. They were great and attended the training session with me to learn how to do the injections. Jessi said she was proud of me. :) It was really nice.

I must be off to bed now, before I fall apart. :)

REBIF

2005-08-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

Some information about my treatment of Rebif which starts tomorrow, Friday, August 26, 2005.

What is Rebif?

Rebif is the brand name for interferon beta-1a made by Serono. Interferons belong to a family of proteins which occur naturally in the body, helping to regulate the body's immune system and fight disease. There are three types of interferons, alpha, beta and gamma, and it is interferon beta that has been clinically proven to be effective against MS.

What are interferons?

They are naturally produced proteins that belong to a group of chemicals called the cytokines (a protein secreted by a cell to communicate with other cells. They play an important role in coordinating the immune system. Cytokines [literally, cell movers] signal the immune system to fight infection and to stop the immune response when infection has been eliminated.) Interferons can also help protect against viral infections by inhibiting viral growth and reproduction.

What does interferon beta do in MS?

Interferon beta is believed to affect changes in the immune system in three ways:

1. It affects the production of cytokines, increasing those that reduce inflammation and reducing those that produce inflammation. (In MS, an attack on the myelin sheath-a sheath made up of lipids [fats] and protiens whch surrounds the nerve cells-results in swelling.)

2. It helps control the function of T cells (a type of specialized immune cell which plays a central role in the immune system and are active in producing multiple sclerosis symptoms).

3. It helps control the movement of T cells into the central nervous system, where they can trigger changes that cause multiple sclerosis.

How is rebif made?

Rebif is manufactured by a special biotechnology process that uses mammalian cells (Chinese hamster ovary cells) to produce an interferon that has components similar to that of natural human interferons.

How does Rebif work?

The precise mechanism of action of interferons in MS is still under invertigation. It is thought that Rebif works by regulation the body's immune response against myelin (the body's natural electrical insulator: it speeds up the conduction of electrochemical messages between the central nervous system and the rest of the body). Basically, it stops the body from destroying its own myelin. Although Rebif is not a cure, it can alter the course of MS by delaying disability.

What to expect from treatments of Rebif:

Rebif has been shown to help reduce the number and severity of attacks, slow the progression of physical disability, reduce the number and volume of lesions or plaques (areas of injury or damage--in MS, an area of inflammation and demyelination in the brain or spinal cord) as seen on magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), reduce the requirement for steroids and reduce the number of hospitalizations for treatment of MS.

Because MS is different in each individual, you need to have a realistic idea of what to expect from treatment. It is difficult to predict how an individual will respond to the treatment. You may still have MS attacks, this does not mean that Rebif is not working. The number and severity of attacks, the progression of the disease, and the number of active lesions may all be reduced compared to what they might have been without Rebif treatment. This is why Rebif treatment should be continuous, even during a relapse of MS.

How is Rebif supplied and stored?

Rebif comes in prefilled syringes. They should be stored in the refrigerator (between 2 and 8 degrees C) in their original box and protected from light. They can be stored at room temp (up to 25 degrees C), but not for more than 1 month. DO NOT FREEZE.

What are the side effects of Rebif treatment?

Rebif is generally well-tolerated. The most common side effects seen in clinical trials were flu-like symptoms (fever, muscle aches, headache) and injection site reactions. Flu-like symptoms may last at least 3 months but tend to resolve with continued treatment. The use of acetaminophen or ibuprofen 30 minutes before injection may help reduce these symptoms.
Injection site reactions such as pain, redness, and swelling are common, but are manageable. Injecting at bedtime may be useful as you can sleep through the side effects.

Interferons can potentially disturb liver function. Symptoms of liver disorder include: loss of appetite accompanied by malaise, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, dark urine, easy bruising of the skin, jaundice, or pruritis (itching).

*Information provided by MS clinic nurses: Josee Poirier, Colleen Harris, Jeannine Christopherson, Cathy Edgar, and Ruth Grigg.

A package.

2005-08-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Heart stuff and Rebif

2005-08-22T03:09:00.000-07:00

Dr. Leckey Appt.

2005-08-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: slight tremors in left leg and hand (usually worsens with physical exertion)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: none

It's always like getting good news when I come back from Dr. Leckey's office. I had wondered about a few different things and today I got some more answers. It turns out that although the ON seems to get worse when I work out I'm not doing any damage to my eye. I can't remember what it is called when you have a heat sensitive reaction to ON but it is quite normal. Dr. Leckey told me it could take between 18 to 24 months for my ON to heal given that it was a very major attack and that I have RRMS (Relapsing-Remitting MS). He also said not to get glasses to solve blurred vision because it will be a fluctuating problem as the ON heals. So it could be some while before I can compete in Judo without the danger of sustaining an injury becuase my lack of vision puts me at a disadvantge when sparring.

We also decided that Rebif is the drug that may benifit me the most. They have sent in the request for the drug and I should be expecting a call from the drug company sometime this week. Sharon said that they are usually pretty quick to get it here. The company will bus it down from Halifax and I'll have to pick it up at the bus station in Sydney. I'll write more about the drug later once I get all the facts on it.

I agreed to participate in a study of the quality of life on the drug which is sponsered by the government. I agreed since the government is picking up the tab for the $20,000 drugs. There will most likely be a series of survey's over the next decade or so as the drugs are relativly new and research is ongoing. I will gladly donate myself and any patient information that may help develop treatments for the disease. However, Rebif is probably the most state-of-the-art treatment available to me.

Dr. Leckey also recomended that I go to the MS society for diet instructions and exercise regimes. He said that its pretty much the same thing that any doctor would tell you to stay healthy. Exercise being more important than diet as no research has found any change in MS relating to diet. Thus there is no "MS Diet" that should be adheared to, but generally keeping oneself in shape and eating right goes a long way regardless of disease. It just seems that now I have a better excuse to keep myself fit than ever (not that I ever really let myself go at any point).

So with all that straightened out, there is no longer a need for me to go to the MS clinic in Halifax. I'm satisfied with the treatment I'm getting and my doctors and hospital support team. If it ain't broke, don't fix it is the general rule I think. So, nothing terribly exciting, just have to wait to get in touch with the drug company who will send nurses to my house to administer the first dose and train me to inject myself. Then I'm off for a series of blood tests once a month for 6 months to check liver functioning, which I have the slips for already. So everything is ready to go. Just awaiting my new medications.

Moments of Mental Fatigue

2005-08-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

More on Optic Neuritis

2005-08-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: slight tremors in left leg and hand (usually worsens with physical exertion)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: none

I decided to do a little more research on optic neuritis to see if the amount of exercise I'm getting is potentially harmful to my condition at the advice of my councillor. What I have found is pretty much what I've discovered on my own through the progression of the condition.

But here is a little more information I pulled from a website that deals with eye conditions, it's called StLukesEye.com:

The following symptoms of optic neuritis may not occur in all cases; however, they are the most common problems associated with the condition.
-Pain with eye movement (more than 90% of patients)
-Tender, sore eye
-Mild to severe decrease in central vision
-Dull, dim vision
-Reduced color perception
-Decreased peripheral vision
-Central blind spot
-Fever
-Headache
-Nausea
-Decreased vision following exercise, hot bath or shower (activities that elevate body temperature)

The last one seems to be my biggest problem. I can't workout without a worsening of that symptom. But is it dangerous to exert myself as I normally would like to do?

I hope not. I'm not going to live a sedentary lifestyle; I'm not going to let MS sideline me. The only way MS can beat me is to keep me from being active, which to me is a totally mental fight. There are always activities to do--even in a wheelchair (God forbid). It's my responsibility as an MS patient to stay fit.

One source had this to say about exercise:
Some people with MS will experience numbness, tingling, or blurred vision when they exercise. These symptoms are temporary and decline within 35 minutes of stopping. They should not cause alarm. But you may want to avoid driving yourself home alone until you are back to your baseline or know that you are not affected by this.

However, it says nothing of my current symtoms. I may have to seek a physician on this one. I have some appt.'s coming up so it's not a problem.

Advantages of fitness:
Exercise builds a reserve of muscle strength and cardiovascular function. Then, if an attack or exacerbation of MS calls for a time-out from physical activity, the reserve is available. Exercise can be therapeutic for such MS-related problems as spasticity, poor balance, depression, fatigue, and emotion problems.

Another of my problems: caution: exercise may be so gratifying that it can lead to overdoing. Then comes fatigue and increased possibility of injury. Apparently, studies show MS patients who work more slowly at the beginning achieve more in the end. Oops, that is so hard to do. I want to jump right in. It's hard for me to hold back at all when it comes to this stuff. I'm really terrible at taking it easy.

I've been trying swimming, I find it really hard... anything that involves legs tires me out quickly. I've never been a good swimmer but good grief, even running is hard now a days... my legs just don't have it anymore. Hopefully this is only temporary. I'm almost back up to a mile running now. I keep thinking of when I was running 5, but I have to learn patience (so bad at that).

To end this post, here is some information that may be useful to my Judo friends and workout partners:

Like rude intruders, MS symptoms show up unannounced, without consideration for personal plans. Instructors, teammates, and exercise partners should be forewarned of the possibility of last-minute cancellations. Those unfamiliar with MS may need a short description of how symptoms can come and go.

Sometimes symptoms show up that don’t call for bowing out of an activity altogether, but do require making temporary alterations. Explaining this to class instructors ahead of time helps avoid embarrassment. Discuss any limitations that your MS is posing and ask about ways the activity might be modified. Some people might also want to request that corrections be given in private after class.

Members of an exercise group will need to tell friends or teammates that MS is imposing some restrictions. Be specific. Explain, for example, that optic neuritis is making it difficult to see a ball, or that balance problems mean you will need some help to climb out of the canoe.

Peace;
Doug.

Med's Update

2005-08-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Citalopram 10mg once daily

Current Symptoms
Physical: Weakness and slight tremors in left leg and left hand (occasinal, usually comes on with extensive exercise)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: jitters and restlessness

I've stopped taking the Lorazepam last night and I didn't get the greatest sleep. I missed a training opportunity this morning due to lack of sleep, but that's ok. I think what I will do is take .5 mg ever second night for a week or two to help me ween off a little more. I would like to only take it when I need it rather than need to take it everynight. I've probably built up a little dependance on it and I want to undue that ASAP. I feel really uneasy today so I want to get a good sleep at least every second night if possible.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Dr. Leckey. I'm anxious to get my appointment with the MS clinic in Halifax and start some treatments before anything else happens. Dr. Dorar gets off vacation tomorrow and I'll make an appointment with him tomorrow as well to follow up on that EKG. In the mean time, I hope today will be kind to me.

Undetered...

2005-08-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

My meds and symptoms haven't changed at all, except apparently my memory may be slipping a bit... :S I think some fatigue may be behind that as well, however. I've been hitting the training a bit too hard perhaps... I should have eased into it but I've never been one to ease into things. Besides... I'm still kicking... and I know when to stop and rest if I go to far. (Which usually happens just after I've gone to far.)

Something totally unexpected happened tonight... (well a lot of unexpected things, but let's not get into all of them) I was promoted to Nikyu at judo (Blue belt). That made my evening. I'm so proud I've made it this far considering. Apparently I landed a really nice yoko-guruma on Sensei Terry in demonstration. I had a few more tricks up my sleve but I didn't want to spill all the beans in one night ;) plus I wasn't sure if I could pull them off... lol it's been a while since I stepped onto a mat... but OHHHHH it felt so good. I really missed that stuff.

I still have to make a doctors appt about my heart. I called today and there was no answer at Dr. Dorar's office. And Leckey is still away on vacation. Until the 16th... which is the day I have an appt with him and Sharon, so apparently I'm the first order of business. I'll make an appt for the halifax MS clinic then too. So until I have something more substantial to report, that's all my news for now.

2005-08-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

Nikyu - blue belt.

Update / Training

2005-08-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Citalopram 10mg once daily
2. Lorazepam .5mg at bedtime

Current Symptoms
Physical: Weakness and slight tremors in left leg and left hand (occasinal)
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: none

Time for an update. I survived the family vacation, with only one trip to the hospital I might add ;). I'm feeling much better since I arrived at home. Maybe it's the familiar ground or something. I just want to relax a bit and not worry about stuff for a while.

To get back in shape for Judo I have resumed training. I began running again plus some stick work in the yard, and a few various exercises I've adapted to fit my program. I noticed that when I run or work out at all the symptoms seem to intensify a bit. For example when I run my eye sight worsens slightly and when I do exercises demanding upper body strength my left hand gets shakey and tremors afterwords.

I guess the proper training program would include knowing my limits. I will tire faster than normal and that's something I have to live with. Plus I have to get that heart thing checked out, sooner than later, to make sure I'm ok to push a bit because god knows I love to push myself beyond my limits. Staying fit between episodes will be my big challenge but it will hopefully enable me to recover more quickly and help to keep my mental stablitly that I've almost lost a few times.

My eyesight doesn't seem to be progressing much beyond its current state. I'm hopeing a trip to the Halifax MS clinic before the end of August will help rectify anything there. Still being patient with it however, which is super slow going and always a challenge. Have to stay positive and get my body back into a state of good fitness. Oh, and get rid of the little weight I have gained on the Prednesone. ;)

Weak leg

2005-07-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

Current Meds:
1. Citalopram 10mg once daily
2. Lorazepam .5mg at bedtime

Current Symptoms
Physical: Weakness and slight tremors in left leg and left hand
Sensory: Optic neuritis in left eye
Psychological (memory/mood): none
Medication side effect?: none

I noticed in the shower this morning that it was eaiser to stand on my right leg than my left. I suppose the damage sustained years ago to those nerves was greater than I thought. I often get weak on that side but since this recent flare up it's been slightly more trouble for me than usual. I can still stand on it but it takes much more effort as the muscles in my left thigh and foot flex wildly trying to correct for balance, where as it is perfect balance and rather easy to do on my right.

I just noticed that my hand was trembling as I was holding it over the keyboard. It's quite restless and trembles quite a bit, looks like Parkinson's but I know it's not that. These are the symptoms I find the most distressing because it feels like I'm losing control over my body. Well, I am really, and that's hard to digest and feel comfortable with. It makes me nervious, to a fault. Anyway, the eyesight hasn't gotten much better in a few days so I guess it won't clear up before I get home. A pity, I'm really enjoying some parts of my vacation while I'm missing out on a lot as well. I do hope I can get back to something more "normal" soon.